Blog #20
Beer goggles. I had heard the rumors but never fully understood what that meant until it happened to me. In my quest to avoid Alice, I had spent way too much time at the bar earlier that night and in the wake of trying to lose my anxiety, I had, accidentally, found a major buzz.
This buzz had served me well while on the dance floor but as my date and I stumbled downstairs to the outside patio I began to notice just how drunk I really was. Not a good scenario to find yourself in when in the company of a stranger but I was so angry at Alice that I let it fuel my interest in getting to know this mysterious girl. After all, we had been groping each other on the dance floor for the last 20 minutes, I felt an actual conversation was in order.
As we took a seat outside we began to have one of those fake “getting to know you” conversations, awkwardly staring with……
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name”
From there I managed to pull out as many questions about her life as I could possibly muster up, although, I knew for a fact that a) I wouldn’t remember a single answer tomorrow and b) it was entirely out of self imposed obligation as, at this very moment, I couldn’t care less.
Regardless, we sat there and went through the usual line up of interrogation……”where are you from”, “what do you do”, and as annoying as that was at this point in the night and at this juncture of drunkenness, it was a lot less painful then what followed.....
The first kiss.
Now we all know that the first kiss is not a fair representation of what your kissing potential could be with someone. It’s not always fireworks and weak knees in the beginning. It is very often what you could chalk up to a great first attempt with the hope that it will be better the next time as you become more comfortable with one another and get each other’s “kissing styles” down. What happened next could never fall into that category. It was so horrific, so unpleasant that it a had a category all it’s own. This kiss was so bad that it had to be, not only placed, but rushed to and locked away inside that special file you keep in your head labeled: “Never EVER kiss this person again”!!
I remember specifically screaming “Ow!!!” more that a few times, which is a bad sign and a nail in the coffin on this relationship as far as I was concerned.
She bit me. Correction…she kept biting me. Something I’d be all for later down the line but not OK on a first kiss…. at a lesbian club……. probably happening in front of several people I know.
Was this chick as drunk as I was?? I feel like the first scream of agony should have been a clear signal to keep her teeth from tearing away at my lip. Apparently it was not. She seemed to read it as an invitation to keep at it because it happened over and over until I literally pushed her off me in disgust. As I did so, I looked back at her suddenly with a realization that was even more scary than her kissing……this girl was not as cute as I had originally thought she was. I mean, it was still a little hard to tell in my condition but I had sobered up a tiny bit now and my newly clearer vision was having some serious doubts.
How had this happened?? Had the booze really affected my judgment to this elevated a degree??? I needed a second opinion to be sure. I excused myself to the ladies room in a desperate escape to find Katie. While in line for the bathroom I sent her a 911 text to meet me downstairs immediately. This was a dating emergency and I needed back-up A.S.A.P.
I couldn’t believe it but this whole situation was staring to backfire on me. The whole point of me coming out tonight was to have fun and forget about all the bullshit going on with Alice. The whole purpose for me avoiding her all night was so that I could have the freedom to be single and meet someone new. But, now that I, seemingly, had gotten everything I wanted, I found myself standing alone in line for the bathroom missing her to such an intense extent that all I really wanted to do now was run into her arms and tell her I’d made a terrible mistake. If it wasn’t for Katie finding me at that exact moment, I might have done just that.
So, in a last attempt to salvage this night I explained the situation to her in the hopes that she would tell me I was just being silly and that this girl waiting for me outside was super hot and to totally go for it. However, in compliance with the continuing disaster that had been the theme all evening, this is not what happened.
Katie looked at me and laughed as she put her hand on my shoulder and said with certainty……
“Two words, buddy. Beer Goggles” followed by an advised “ABORT MISSION”.
And, with those words, I did just that.
As I got home and got ready for bed, I was plagued with a longing for Alice that was so overwhelming I thought I might burst from sadness.
Had I made a mistake? Could I live without her? Should I take her back?
My mind was racing with questions and doubt. Where I went from there, I didn't know. I was totally and completely lost.
And just as I thought I couldn't feel any worse, I heard my phone ringing from the other room.
Why had I given that girl my number?? I ran into the kitchen to grab my phone and send this unwanted caller to voice mail but as I picked up my cell I noticed the name that was blinking on the screen. It was Alice!!!
And I knew what I had to do.......
-Lesbian X
