Blog # 21
The Yo-yo. As a child, it was a favorite toy and pastime. I could spend hours playing alone in my room amazed at how it seemed to defy all that I had learned about gravity and trying to master it’s most revered tricks. I could “walk the dog”, “go around the world“, “loop the loop“. As an adult, however, the yo-yo took on a far different meaning. No longer was it a simple, innocent game. Now, it was a type of relationship often encountered in the lesbian world and the place I seemed to find myself in with Alice. It was a back and forth of two people in love who just couldn’t seem to let go. I didn’t know it at the time but all my practice as a little girl was really just preparation for my adulthood female relationships.
Seeing me with another girl had shaken Alice to the core. I answered her two a.m. phone call knowing, fair well, that I wasn’t just opening up a line of communication with her. By taking that call, while in the vulnerable state I was in, it was possible, that I was opening up the door to our old relationship. Although I was totally and completely aware of this possibility, my need to talk to her, to hear her voice was just too overwhelming to pass up. So I answered her call; fully prepared to take on whatever antics lied on the other end and partially prepared to give her another chance.
With the flick of my wrist, I pulled the yo-yo back in….
But as had become quite standard the last couple of weeks, I found Alice in quite an emotional state when I answered the phone. She was pissed. Really pissed. Outside my house and demanding to be let in “pissed”. Like a cartoon thought bubble popped unexpectedly by the pinpoint of someone demanding your attention, the ever warming sentiments brewing in my mind the last hour were shattered immediately by the sharpness of her tone. Great….here we go again.
I guess I was expecting tears, expecting her to be as miserable and lonely and sad as I was. What I got instead was a giant helping of her sense of Entitlement and total disregard for her part in this break-up. Both of which, in a matter of nano seconds, managed to cannonball be right back into a state of rage. Let her in?? Was she crazy? So we could scream and yell at each other and wake up every single one of my roommates, if not the whole neighborhood ?? Not a chance in hell.
With the flick of my wrist, I let the yo-yo fall back down to the floor……
All I had wanted was for her climb into bed with me. I wanted to crawl into her arms and disappear into the warmth of her body. I wanted to burry my head in her chest, sink into her skin and forget this whole ridiculous night had ever happened. But, now, all I wanted was for her to go home. Assured that nothing was going to be resolved tonight, I assured her that it would be better if we talked tomorrow. Begrudgingly, I said “goodnight” and went to bed alone, torn by the dueling feelings of wanting to ring her neck and desperately wanting her next to me at the same time.
But as the next couple of days came and went, so did my anger and in the calm of a brand new day, Alice was able to put her ego aside and truly apologize. It wasn’t just about her selfishly wanting me back anymore. She was finely able to own up to what she had done and ask for a second chance to make it up to me. Truth be told, as every day passed, I was starting to miss Alice more and more. She had been so good to me when we first met and although she drove me crazy with her jealousy and broke my trust with her indiscretion, she was nothing but wonderful in the beginning. What had happened to make all that change? I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I had played some part in that. Maybe I hadn’t given her a reason to feel secure. Deep down she really was a beautiful, considerate, kind, loving and generous human being. Surely, someone with those qualities deserved a second chance. Then it occurred to me….
Who was really being punished in this separation? My refusal to give in was due, partly, to the fact that I felt like Alice needed to pay for her mistake. But, at what cost?? While punishing Alice, I was, inadvertently, punishing myself. If we both wanted to be together than who was stopping us?
I realized, the only thing standing in our way was me.
And, so, with the flick of my wrist, I pulled the yo-yo back in.
-Lesbian X
