Blog #19
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four. Hiding from Alice all night had taken it’s toll and I was looking for a bit of relief at the bottom of a shot glass. Miraculously, I seemed to find exactly what I was looking for. All the anxiety and guilt I felt washed clean away and, just like magic, I was back in the game ready to take on this place. I had no idea what Alice was up to downstairs and now I didn’t care.
Riding that wave of intoxication, Katie and I headed to the dance floor, which, I must add, was not only a good space to bust a move but, simultaneously, provided me with safe cover. DJ Saratonin was spinning all my favorite guilty pleasure dance beats and, in a much needed release, we danced our drunken, gay asses off. Finally, I was having a good time. Finally, I got to experience the thrill that this new freedom provided me. Finally, no Alice, no drama, just me and my friend dancing our cares away.
As I looked around the room to take inventory of any possible prospects, I noticed someone staring at me from a far. I focused in to see who it was but I didn’t recognize her. Hmm……a lesbian I didn’t know yet?? Definite Plus! I couldn’t tell though, was this girl checking me out?? Was I getting cruised?? God, I hoped so. I smiled in her general direction on the slim chance that I was, nothing to obvious, just a friendly grin to move things along and that seemed to be about all she needed. Before I could even tell if she was cute or ask Katie for a second opinion, this girl was heading right towards me!!
“Would you like to dance”, she asked
With my tequila eyes I gave this chick the once over. My inspection was half-assed. I was mid-euphoric status and my elation had taken precedent over any silly little details. Hot or not, neither here nor there as far as I was concerned. The high I was riding left absolutely no room for any negative forms of thought. Everything sounded like a good idea, and consequently, at this point, so did anyone.
Would I?? Yes please!
I looked over both my shoulders to see if the coast was clear. Alice was nowhere in sight, thank god. I was not in the mood for a scene right now and this was just the kind of thing that would set her off.
All systems a-go, she grabbed my hand and led me to the middle of the dance floor. “Just perfect” I thought, the chances of Alice finding me this deep in the crowd are slim to none!
As we pushed our way through the girls to the first piece of empty space we could find, a sort of realization came over me. This was the first girl to touch me since Alice came along. I mean we were only holding hands, sure, but this was the first time some other girl besides her had me in their grips with the intention of something sexual. I decided to roll with it, after all, that was why I had come wasn’t it? That was the whole reason I had been hiding out from Alice all night…..the freedom to do exactly this. It was a notion I decided to store in the back of my mind with the rest of my neurosis. Right now I was going to dance with this girl, whoever she was.
I have to say, she really knew how to move. I usually ride solo on the dance floor but something about the rhythm of our bodies were tune. I mean, we were in perfect sync!! We got closer and closer and in almost no time at all, and without even knowing her name, she was all over me. Truth be told, at the moment, I couldn’t have been more pleased about that. I was feeling good, I was feeling free, I was feeling like I could stay in this moment forever.
Alice, on the other hand, was going to let it go on for exactly two more seconds. Before I knew it, I spotted my Ex storming across the dance floor like a wild animal charging towards it’s next victim. It was dark but, even so, I could still spot the intensity and ferocity in her piercing eyes.
“Oh shit” is all I managed to get out before she reached us. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be afraid for our lives. We were just dancing for god’s sake, albeit, practically on top of each other, but I was single, damnit!! Not only was she not my girlfriend anymore but she had cheated on me, admittedly! You'd think that would entitle me to a little dance here and there but, clearly, in Alice’s mind, it most certainly did not.
She pushed her way in between us and stuck her hand out to my dance partner as she introduced herself.
“Hi, I’m Alice, who the hell are you??”
I didn’t even give the girl a chance to respond. Alice may have pushed her way in between us but what she had really just done was push me straight into this girl’s arms. If I was feeling hesitant before, if the nostalgia of all that we had shared was sitting in the back of my mind waiting to pop up and stop me from taking things any further, it was now officially gone. My rage at her audacity had now completely taken over. In protest to her sheer lack of respect for my personal space, I let myself be inconsiderate of her feelings for once and left her heart-broken on the dance floor. As my new date and I walked away, I turned and looked back to see Alice standing alone. Abandoned and defeated. And at that moment, I didn’t care.
-Lesbian X
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
It's Complicated
Blog #18
“It’s Complicated“. Not only is it a relationship status option on everyone’s favorite social network, Facebook, but, more importantly, it’s a common state of being in the lesbian world. A break up is never really an official parting of ways. There is “the break moment” followed, almost religiously, by a lingering period of 6-8 weeks. It is, in this period, a time of trying to move on mixed with, equal parts, clinging desperately to the memory of whatever happiness you once shared with your newly departed. It is a time of shear and utter confusion, as, in one sense, you enjoy all the pleasures of new found freedom but on the other hand are existing in a tortuous state of mourning love lost. This is the limbo I found myself drowning in after the break up with Alice. The sense of relief I felt was in constant conflict with the intense bond we had formed, although, until our separation, I was unaware of how truly powerful it was.
Alice was no help on this matter. Yes, she had cheated, but I think it was more like a child acting out for attention than it was her wanting to be with someone else. She made it very clear in the following days that she was in no way prepared to lose me and the degree of her pursuit to win me back was even stronger than her original courtship. The never-ending phone calls, the incessant text messaging, even showing up drunk outside my house and demanding to be let in, had all become part of her daily routine. She just wasn’t ready to call it quits and her certainty that it was not over had me thinking that maybe I had made a terrible mistake.
Tempting as it might be, though, I wasn’t willing to give in yet. There was a huge part of my mind set that wanted to enjoy being single, especially at this early stage in my coming out. There was not a night that I had been out with Alex that my eyes didn’t do a bit of innocent wandering and I felt like I needed to explore those possibilities. Maybe things would eventually work out with her but, until then, I was going to live my new found single life to the fullest whether Alice liked it or not
Or at least I thought I would…..
My first attempt did not go as smoothly as I had originally seen it in my mind.
In the reality that Alice and I shared a mutual friendship with most of the girls we knew, we seemed to ALWAYS end up at the same place. Night after night the excitement of new found adventures and relationships to come was immediately shattered by the sight (and following evil glare) of my ex-girlfriend who would be watching me like a hawk, ready to swoop in and attack anyone standing in her way of getting back together with me.
There was to be no talking to anyone remotely attractive without her instant appearance at my side. In fact, there would be no talking to anyone, period, without her interruption.
So on my first night out, as I walked into the Tuesday night party at club Eleven, my sense of wonderment was sent spinning into an early grave of defeat at the sight of Alice standing by the bar.
I spotted our friends gathered on the outside patio and joined them half-heartedly .I knew Alice would be on her way back over to them soon but they were my friends too damnit!! In the mix of these girls was Darcy. She had started dating Cara about the same time that Alice and I got together and, like us, the relationship was newly dissolved. Unlike Alice, however, Darcy, who was still madly in love with Cara, would, instead of cock-blocking, be so utterly disturbed by the sight of her Ex, that she would spend the next 20 minutes in the bathroom puking her guts out.
As I looked over my shoulder to see if Alice was still at the bar, I got a glimpse of Darcy’s face. The look of shear horror on it told me Cara must be in da house and, like clockwork, the poor girl burst into tears while making a mad dash to the bathroom. As I was about to follow behind her in support I noticed Alice take wind and take my place as the “hair-holder”. I took the opportunity to get the hell out of dodge and head up to the dance floor upstairs. I had been inside the building exactly 5 minutes and already all hell had broke loose. WTF??
Katie, a good friend of mine was hanging near the D.J. booth so I ran over immediately to take refuge. In the realization of how ridiculous the situation had become (Darcy vomiting, Me hiding) I began to doubt whether I would ever have a real shot at any normalcy ever again.
I came to have a good time in the new-found freedom of singlehood and here I was a virtual prisoner of Alice’s temporary insanity. As I looked around the room in disappointment for all that I would most likely be missing out on I had one clear, concise, re-occurring thought that rang over and over again like a Buddhist mantra in my head…..
“Dear Lord, just let my ex-girlfriend stay on the bottom floor tonight"!!!
-Lesbian X
“It’s Complicated“. Not only is it a relationship status option on everyone’s favorite social network, Facebook, but, more importantly, it’s a common state of being in the lesbian world. A break up is never really an official parting of ways. There is “the break moment” followed, almost religiously, by a lingering period of 6-8 weeks. It is, in this period, a time of trying to move on mixed with, equal parts, clinging desperately to the memory of whatever happiness you once shared with your newly departed. It is a time of shear and utter confusion, as, in one sense, you enjoy all the pleasures of new found freedom but on the other hand are existing in a tortuous state of mourning love lost. This is the limbo I found myself drowning in after the break up with Alice. The sense of relief I felt was in constant conflict with the intense bond we had formed, although, until our separation, I was unaware of how truly powerful it was.
Alice was no help on this matter. Yes, she had cheated, but I think it was more like a child acting out for attention than it was her wanting to be with someone else. She made it very clear in the following days that she was in no way prepared to lose me and the degree of her pursuit to win me back was even stronger than her original courtship. The never-ending phone calls, the incessant text messaging, even showing up drunk outside my house and demanding to be let in, had all become part of her daily routine. She just wasn’t ready to call it quits and her certainty that it was not over had me thinking that maybe I had made a terrible mistake.
Tempting as it might be, though, I wasn’t willing to give in yet. There was a huge part of my mind set that wanted to enjoy being single, especially at this early stage in my coming out. There was not a night that I had been out with Alex that my eyes didn’t do a bit of innocent wandering and I felt like I needed to explore those possibilities. Maybe things would eventually work out with her but, until then, I was going to live my new found single life to the fullest whether Alice liked it or not
Or at least I thought I would…..
My first attempt did not go as smoothly as I had originally seen it in my mind.
In the reality that Alice and I shared a mutual friendship with most of the girls we knew, we seemed to ALWAYS end up at the same place. Night after night the excitement of new found adventures and relationships to come was immediately shattered by the sight (and following evil glare) of my ex-girlfriend who would be watching me like a hawk, ready to swoop in and attack anyone standing in her way of getting back together with me.
There was to be no talking to anyone remotely attractive without her instant appearance at my side. In fact, there would be no talking to anyone, period, without her interruption.
So on my first night out, as I walked into the Tuesday night party at club Eleven, my sense of wonderment was sent spinning into an early grave of defeat at the sight of Alice standing by the bar.
I spotted our friends gathered on the outside patio and joined them half-heartedly .I knew Alice would be on her way back over to them soon but they were my friends too damnit!! In the mix of these girls was Darcy. She had started dating Cara about the same time that Alice and I got together and, like us, the relationship was newly dissolved. Unlike Alice, however, Darcy, who was still madly in love with Cara, would, instead of cock-blocking, be so utterly disturbed by the sight of her Ex, that she would spend the next 20 minutes in the bathroom puking her guts out.
As I looked over my shoulder to see if Alice was still at the bar, I got a glimpse of Darcy’s face. The look of shear horror on it told me Cara must be in da house and, like clockwork, the poor girl burst into tears while making a mad dash to the bathroom. As I was about to follow behind her in support I noticed Alice take wind and take my place as the “hair-holder”. I took the opportunity to get the hell out of dodge and head up to the dance floor upstairs. I had been inside the building exactly 5 minutes and already all hell had broke loose. WTF??
Katie, a good friend of mine was hanging near the D.J. booth so I ran over immediately to take refuge. In the realization of how ridiculous the situation had become (Darcy vomiting, Me hiding) I began to doubt whether I would ever have a real shot at any normalcy ever again.
I came to have a good time in the new-found freedom of singlehood and here I was a virtual prisoner of Alice’s temporary insanity. As I looked around the room in disappointment for all that I would most likely be missing out on I had one clear, concise, re-occurring thought that rang over and over again like a Buddhist mantra in my head…..
“Dear Lord, just let my ex-girlfriend stay on the bottom floor tonight"!!!
-Lesbian X
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