It's Complicated

Blog #18

“It’s Complicated“. Not only is it a relationship status option on everyone’s favorite social network, Facebook, but, more importantly, it’s a common state of being in the lesbian world. A break up is never really an official parting of ways. There is “the break moment” followed, almost religiously, by a lingering period of 6-8 weeks. It is, in this period, a time of trying to move on mixed with, equal parts, clinging desperately to the memory of whatever happiness you once shared with your newly departed. It is a time of shear and utter confusion, as, in one sense, you enjoy all the pleasures of new found freedom but on the other hand are existing in a tortuous state of mourning love lost. This is the limbo I found myself drowning in after the break up with Alice. The sense of relief I felt was in constant conflict with the intense bond we had formed, although, until our separation, I was unaware of how truly powerful it was.

Alice was no help on this matter. Yes, she had cheated, but I think it was more like a child acting out for attention than it was her wanting to be with someone else. She made it very clear in the following days that she was in no way prepared to lose me and the degree of her pursuit to win me back was even stronger than her original courtship. The never-ending phone calls, the incessant text messaging, even showing up drunk outside my house and demanding to be let in, had all become part of her daily routine. She just wasn’t ready to call it quits and her certainty that it was not over had me thinking that maybe I had made a terrible mistake.

Tempting as it might be, though, I wasn’t willing to give in yet. There was a huge part of my mind set that wanted to enjoy being single, especially at this early stage in my coming out. There was not a night that I had been out with Alex that my eyes didn’t do a bit of innocent wandering and I felt like I needed to explore those possibilities. Maybe things would eventually work out with her but, until then, I was going to live my new found single life to the fullest whether Alice liked it or not

Or at least I thought I would…..

My first attempt did not go as smoothly as I had originally seen it in my mind.

In the reality that Alice and I shared a mutual friendship with most of the girls we knew, we seemed to ALWAYS end up at the same place. Night after night the excitement of new found adventures and relationships to come was immediately shattered by the sight (and following evil glare) of my ex-girlfriend who would be watching me like a hawk, ready to swoop in and attack anyone standing in her way of getting back together with me.

There was to be no talking to anyone remotely attractive without her instant appearance at my side. In fact, there would be no talking to anyone, period, without her interruption.

So on my first night out, as I walked into the Tuesday night party at club Eleven, my sense of wonderment was sent spinning into an early grave of defeat at the sight of Alice standing by the bar.

I spotted our friends gathered on the outside patio and joined them half-heartedly .I knew Alice would be on her way back over to them soon but they were my friends too damnit!! In the mix of these girls was Darcy. She had started dating Cara about the same time that Alice and I got together and, like us, the relationship was newly dissolved. Unlike Alice, however, Darcy, who was still madly in love with Cara, would, instead of cock-blocking, be so utterly disturbed by the sight of her Ex, that she would spend the next 20 minutes in the bathroom puking her guts out.

As I looked over my shoulder to see if Alice was still at the bar, I got a glimpse of Darcy’s face. The look of shear horror on it told me Cara must be in da house and, like clockwork, the poor girl burst into tears while making a mad dash to the bathroom. As I was about to follow behind her in support I noticed Alice take wind and take my place as the “hair-holder”. I took the opportunity to get the hell out of dodge and head up to the dance floor upstairs. I had been inside the building exactly 5 minutes and already all hell had broke loose. WTF??

Katie, a good friend of mine was hanging near the D.J. booth so I ran over immediately to take refuge. In the realization of how ridiculous the situation had become (Darcy vomiting, Me hiding) I began to doubt whether I would ever have a real shot at any normalcy ever again.

I came to have a good time in the new-found freedom of singlehood and here I was a virtual prisoner of Alice’s temporary insanity. As I looked around the room in disappointment for all that I would most likely be missing out on I had one clear, concise, re-occurring thought that rang over and over again like a Buddhist mantra in my head…..

“Dear Lord, just let my ex-girlfriend stay on the bottom floor tonight"!!!

-Lesbian X