Pretty and Willing

Blog #17

Janie. She was pretty…….and that’s about it. Looking back, I have tried to pinpoint what about her was so amazing, so intoxicating that Alice would betray my trust just to spend a night or two with. Looking back, I can honestly say that there isn’t anything particularly special about her. Mostly, she was just willing I guess.

Now, I say this not out of bitterness or vengeance. I say this, only, because it is the truth. Out of everyone we knew, she was the least interesting, most dull and, to be honest, was the type of person you forgot was even in the room. But, like I said, she was pretty and willing.

The worst part was that her girlfriend, Denise, was not only one of the best people I had ever met, but she was madly in love with Janie and was going to be destroyed when she found out, although, I wasn’t going to be the one to tell her.

I only knew by accident. In one of Alice’s temper tantrums she blurted it out, in what I can only imagine, as a last attempt to get one more jab in at me before I left her.

We had been laying in bed one night arguing over God knows what and I had finally had enough. I told her I needed a break from her, and that it might turn into an actual break up if things didn’t change. She rolled over and looked at me straight in the eye and said, “Well, just so you know, I slept with someone else”. Just like that, so matter of factly. As if that were going to change my mind in her favor. As if the jealousy I felt over her indiscretion would make me realize that that I couldn’t stand for her to be with anyone else send me running back into her arms…… or, like I said, maybe it was just a last attempt to get one more jab in before I left.

The funny thing was that, at this point, I didn’t even care that she’d cheated. Things had gone from a blissful beginning to shit storm of constant jealousy and arguments and, truth be told, I was looking for an easy out. I was totally in love with her but we couldn’t seem to go even one day without finding a way to make each other miserable. Sure, we’d always make up, and there is nothing like having wild, passionate make-up sex, but that thrill was wearing thin and it just wasn’t worth it to me anymore. Her little confession was just an assurance that I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was out! I did, however, have every intention of pulling every single last detail out of her before I stormed out of the room and out of this twisted, soul crushing relationship.

According to Alice it meant nothing. It was some attention thrown her way and she jumped on the opportunity (literally). The really sick part was that she did it right in front of me….the text messaging, the plotting, the lying as to why she needed to go over to Janie’s house. The sicker part was that I had no idea. The thought that she or anyone who loved me as much as she did would ever do something so deceitful and ugly had never even occurred to me, and now, it always would.

I mean I get it. The fighting had gotten out of control which in turn made me want to sleep as far on the other side of the bed as I could get. Mix that up with the jealousy that had been brewing and I could see why Alice was in such dire need of affection. The rational part of my brain understood but there was still a better part of me that wanted to get as far away from her as I possibly could. And so I got up, grabbed my things, and I left. I left her apartment, I left her and all her insecurities, I left all the arguments and the misery and, most importantly, I left behind the weight I’d been carrying on my shoulders for the last few months. I left US and I went home to my own bed where for the first time in a while, I felt peace.

I was free.

And I planned on taking full advantage of that.

-Lesbian X