The Truth

Blog #15

Is 10am too early for a cocktail?? Cuz I could have really used one. I sat upstairs playing nervously on my computer and debating this question to myself. Mindy was usually up before me but, the bitch, (I mean my lovely and adored roommate) hadn’t come out of her room yet. The suspense was damn near killing me. I had worked up the nerve to “come out” to her this morning but I’m afraid my adrenaline surge was wearing dangerously thin. She would have to surface sooner or later. We were barbecuing this afternoon…….well, our roommate was barbequing this afternoon but we would definitely be eating it so I knew she would be wandering my way eventually. I needed to tell her before our guests arrived as Alice would be one of them.

There was nothing I could do but wait, however, the longer I sat there the less convinced I was that I would actually go through with it. Every minute that passed seemed to bring this impending doom one step closer and the ticking of the clock above my computer was starting to drive me mad. What was this, a scene out of a bad French noir film?? Who has clocks anymore, anyhow?? And what the hell was Mindy doing in there?!?

I resolved to pass the time by auditioning different scenarios as to how I would brake the news in my head. Uh, yeeeeeah……. that wasn’t helping.

Finally, she emerged!! Mindy strolled out of that black hole of a bedroom with her always cheery demeanor in tact. Usually, I would find this adorable, today, though, it was a little much. After an hour of anxiously waiting in shear and utter terror, I kinda needed her to tone it down a bit. I swear every time she enters a room I picture cartoon forest creatures with impossibly long eyelashes fluttering at her feet. She just had the fairytale combo of beauty and innocence that screamed Disney heroine. Was I about to shatter that innocence?? I wondered how Snow White, or Sleeping Beauty would have taken the news. Would Cinderella break into song about how she loved me know matter what, or throw her hand over her forehead in dramatic gesture and run far, far away? I smiled awkwardly in her direction at the thought.

As she plopped down on the couch near the office nook I had been lurking in all day, Mindy said “good morning” and struck up some idle chit chat about the day’s event. If she only knew what I was really thinking. All the while we were mindlessly discussing potato salad I was secretly plotting my segway into the big L bomb. I knew I didn’t have much time. She would probably disappear into the bathroom soon to shower etc so I needed to step up and seize the moment while I had her full, undivided attention. This was it, the big moment, now or never!! The impending doom not only came one step closer but actually began to settle into my skin. I felt like a medieval messenger sent to deliver word of a warfront coming. Was she going to welcome me with open arms or shoot me dead for delivering the bad news?

Suddenly, I became aware of another conversation happening around me. Wait….. amidst my psychotic fantasies of being hung in front of a crowd of angry peasants, I could hear someone speaking………oh no, I could hear myself speaking……to Mindy!!! Oh god, what was I saying?? Somehow my anxiety had taken full control of my brain and was talking for me. I heard the words “so I think I have a girlfriend” go flying across the room into Mindy’s ear in the type of slow motion one only hears when half conscious. Something inside myself had taken over and outed me!!!

Holy crap, I did it!! It was done! Somehow, I had managed to get the words out, although barely consciously so. A wave of sweet relief washed over me and brought me crashing back to reality. I focused my attention back to Mindy as I waited for what seemed like an eternity for her response. It was out there. Forever. I had said it out loud and now I couldn’t take it back. And I was glad it was. You know, what ever her reaction was to be, good or bad, loving or hateful, it really didn‘t matter in this moment anymore. I realized that just saying it out loud to another human being was more gratifying than her acceptance would ever be. Her opinion mattered but I didn’t need her approval anymore. Still, though, I was curious to see her reaction.

I looked at her, and in all my shock/ relief/new found self love, I began to burst out laughing. I mean, it was kind of funny. What a random thing to say to your roommate first thing in the morning.

Mindy looked back at me, stunned for a moment, and then, to my complete shock and delight, she laughed back. SHE LAUGHED!! We laughed, together, at the same time. She was so unfazed by this declaration, so cool about it, that I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. I really hadn’t given her enough credit. We were still getting to know each other so my reservations were valid, sure, but as God as my witness I would never doubt this girl again. We sat together on the couch and I began to tell her all about my little journey. Mindy took the news like a champ and in true girly style she wanted alllllllll the details. In fact, this seemed to bring us even closer together as roommates and friends.

My honesty seemed to have really paid off in the end. If nothing else, this was a major life lesson for me. From this point on I would always be confident and proud of who I am and I would always tell the truth. If for no other reason than to sit back and marvel at what doors those two simple things will open for you along the way.

-Lesbian X