Blog #23
Time heals all wounds, so they say. Especially, wounds of the heart. Exactly how much Time, however, “they”, conveniently, left out of the prescription. That’s because no one really knows for sure. Time, although tested and true, has never been able to be reduced down to an exact science. It‘s mysterious healing powers are far beyond something you could locate under a microscope or test chemically in a tube. Dosage must be determined on a case to case basis. Not exactly the certainty one would hope for when trying to mend a broken heart but the best you’re going to get.
In the revelry of our new found friendship, I had been too caught up to stop and think about the obvious; Time. After a break up, how much breathing room do you need before you become entangled in each other’s lives again? How much Time do you need to be O.K. with the fact that your Ex is dating? Or rather, in this case, how much time do you need before you’re O.K. with your Ex dating your friend?
Which brings me to Darcy. I liked Darcy. We came out of the closet at almost the exact same time and had become relatively close over the past 6 months. I could usually count on the fact that, come the weekend, my cell phone would be blinking her name with the message “Brunch??“ waiting for me in my inbox like clockwork. Darcy looooved brunch. Well, she loved mimosas and the fact that it was totally acceptable, if not expected to have a glass of champagnes before noon. I always found her love of champagne funny, in an endearing sort of way, as her personality matched perfectly with the bubbles floating in her glass. She was light and airy and full of bubbly laughter. The sort of girl that got along with everyone. She was pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful enough to make other girls not like her. You could say being newbies served as a sort of bond between the two of us and we had grown accustomed to hanging out on a pretty regular basis along with our circle of friends.
As it turns out, Alice and Darcy were hanging out on the regular as well. Just the two of them. Just Alice and Darcy. Now, I thought this to be perfectly normal and platonic at the time. I was doing the same with our friend Katie. When going through a break up it is only natural to try and fill the void left by your Ex with all the friends that you blew off when you were in love. So, when Alice called me one day to explain why she and Darcy had left early the night before from a party that we were all at, I was completely caught off guard to discover the reason.
“Darcy felt uncomfortable”. That’s what Alice said. I guess I should have known what that meant, but as a new comer to this parallel universe it never occurred to me that the two of them showing up together was at all weird or any indication that something might be going on between them. Partly in fact because Alice was still, somewhat, trying to win me back but, mostly, because I was painfully unaware of the most prevalent and dangerous of all the Lesbian curses (and there are many); Falling in love with your best friend. Or at the very least, sleeping with them. This damn curse would eventually serve as my life long arch nemesis as well as something I can always count on to bite me in the ass but in that moment, I was utterly clueless.
“What do you mean she felt uncomfortable”, I asked with the purest of innocence. “Why would she feel weird? I know you guys are just friends”.
Her response: “Well, for now we are”.
Whaaaaaaaat?????????
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing OR what I was feeling for that matter. I mean, I, in no way, wanted to get back together with her but she was still mine. She was MY Alice. Mine and mine alone. I was not prepared in the slightest to move over and let Darcy take my place in her life. We had just begun our friendship, we were just starting to work out the kinks. We had a certain amount of ownership for one anther that had not completely dissipated yet. She couldn’t just go and pull the proverbial rug out from under my feet like that. I felt dizzy, sick, like I couldn’t breathe. There was a safety and a sense of comfort and unconditional love when Alice was near that I had waited my whole life to find. And Darcy couldn’t have it!
I guess I knew that eventually this day would come but I thought I would have more Time. I needed more Time, more of it’s medicinal potency before I could stomach the passing of the baton.
I was only mid-treatment for god‘s sake. We were mid treatment. The Time that had passed already had done wonders and we were in a good place. I was actually ready and willing to accept her dating someone else. Someone I didn’t know, that is. Someone who I could pretend was totally lame and unattractive and in no way a threat to our friendship. Someone who I could convince myself was just a rebound, someone for Alice to have a little fun with but would never be serious about. This was Darcy, though. This is someone I knew that was pretty and smart and fun and completely capable of meaning more to Alice than I did. I just wasn’t ready for that. I wondered, would interrupting my medicine result in permanent relationship damage? If Time was what you needed to move on and let go, for the pain and resentment to disappear, would disrupting treatment insure them to linger in my bones forever?
I guess only Time would tell. What I did know, however, was an alternate cure for getting over a past relationship. Falling for someone else! As chance would have it, the girl I had been secretly crushing on was about to become single as well. And as luck would have it, she had her eye on me.
Lesbian X
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Friendship
Blog #22
One of my favorite psychoanalytic statements goes as follows:
“Insanity is repeating the same act over and over again while expecting a different result.”
This simple yet brilliant observation was not only a revelation in behavior, it had the potential to be a saving grace to relationship repeat offenders such as myself. It was a whole new religion as far as I was concerned and something I wish would have been mentioned to me a long time ago. Much like “He/She’s just not that into you” was an awakening for women everywhere to see a bad relationship for what it was and move on, this statement had the power to slap some serious sense into people who insisted on going back for seconds. As if the bullshit they had suffered through the first time just wasn’t enough.
Alice and I had, in fact, officially gotten back together but surprise surprise, that relationship was short lived. In the time we were apart , I had managed to convince myself, along with a little help from Alice, that things would be different this time around. Now, the rational part of my brain knew the likely hood of that actually being the case was ridiculous and probably not going to happen. The romantic in me, however, just wanted to believe that love would conquer all. Unfortunately, Alice and Me; “the sequel”, ended up being almost a bigger disaster that the original version.
When I look back, the whole thing should have been shut down in pre-production. I mean, the signs were all there…..difficult leading lady, fighting on the set, no real fan base from the first release. I would like to chalk it up to a “rookie mistake” but this was not my first feature film, so to speak. The refusal to learn my lesson the first time seemed to be a pattern I had been slowly perfecting over time with men and now a destructive tendency I was bringing into the new phase of my life with women. It was role I had played one too many times before and for fear of being pigeon held in this nightmare of a part for the remainder of my career and I realized that I needed to draw a fine line between “giving it your all” and just plain being an idiot. Or INSANE, as the case might be.
This relationship could have dragged on for years but in a desperate attempt to have some resemblance of control I decided after a few months of reconciliation that I had to put an end to the madness for both our sakes. Although, I wanted to fight for the relationship, I knew deep down that we were both kidding ourselves and I began to wonder why we were holding on to this dead relationship for dear life. Neither one of us were happy. What was it then that had us so terrified to let go? Was it simply a matter of true love? Were we masochists? Or were we just afraid to be alone? I didn’t know the answer. All I knew was that it was time to grow up and see the situation for what it really was; two people who just were not meant to me.
As hard of a decision as that was at the time, I knew in the pit of my stomach that it was bigger than just being the end of something. It was the beginning of me taking control of my life. It was the start of saying “No” to my toxic past and “Yes” to my healthy future.
And so I ended it for good with Alice.
But, much like the decision had been the beginning of something better for myself, I soon discovered that it was also the beginning of a better relationship for me and Alice. As this was my first serious commitment in the lesbian world, I was totally unprepared for what would grow in place of all that had seemingly died. When a beak up occurred in a heterosexual relationship, or at least the ones I had been involved in, the love you shared with the other person was just tossed out like garbage; lost forever, never to be thought of again. That had always seemed such a waste to me. To care for and nurture this magical force that existed between you and another human being only to discard it like something that was repulsive or a nuisance or even replaceable seemed entirely tragic and reckless. Even the relationships that ended mutually with limited hurt and resentment were, at best, packaged away like old family photographs to be stored somewhere safe and maybe, just maybe, be reflected on in old age.
I didn’t want our love thrown out or collecting dust. It didn’t deserve to be boxed away and forgotten. I wanted to save it and celebrate it and hold it close to my heart forever
Thankfully, so did Alice. What blossomed between us was a freindship, a deep connected friendship that only comes after you have been truly intamite with someone in all aspects of your life. It was better that I could have ever hoped for. Instead of feeling discarded I felt more loved than ever. I knew this was the beginning of a life long friendship. What I didn’t know, was how much that friendship was about to be tested in the coming months…..
Lesbian X
One of my favorite psychoanalytic statements goes as follows:
“Insanity is repeating the same act over and over again while expecting a different result.”
This simple yet brilliant observation was not only a revelation in behavior, it had the potential to be a saving grace to relationship repeat offenders such as myself. It was a whole new religion as far as I was concerned and something I wish would have been mentioned to me a long time ago. Much like “He/She’s just not that into you” was an awakening for women everywhere to see a bad relationship for what it was and move on, this statement had the power to slap some serious sense into people who insisted on going back for seconds. As if the bullshit they had suffered through the first time just wasn’t enough.
Alice and I had, in fact, officially gotten back together but surprise surprise, that relationship was short lived. In the time we were apart , I had managed to convince myself, along with a little help from Alice, that things would be different this time around. Now, the rational part of my brain knew the likely hood of that actually being the case was ridiculous and probably not going to happen. The romantic in me, however, just wanted to believe that love would conquer all. Unfortunately, Alice and Me; “the sequel”, ended up being almost a bigger disaster that the original version.
When I look back, the whole thing should have been shut down in pre-production. I mean, the signs were all there…..difficult leading lady, fighting on the set, no real fan base from the first release. I would like to chalk it up to a “rookie mistake” but this was not my first feature film, so to speak. The refusal to learn my lesson the first time seemed to be a pattern I had been slowly perfecting over time with men and now a destructive tendency I was bringing into the new phase of my life with women. It was role I had played one too many times before and for fear of being pigeon held in this nightmare of a part for the remainder of my career and I realized that I needed to draw a fine line between “giving it your all” and just plain being an idiot. Or INSANE, as the case might be.
This relationship could have dragged on for years but in a desperate attempt to have some resemblance of control I decided after a few months of reconciliation that I had to put an end to the madness for both our sakes. Although, I wanted to fight for the relationship, I knew deep down that we were both kidding ourselves and I began to wonder why we were holding on to this dead relationship for dear life. Neither one of us were happy. What was it then that had us so terrified to let go? Was it simply a matter of true love? Were we masochists? Or were we just afraid to be alone? I didn’t know the answer. All I knew was that it was time to grow up and see the situation for what it really was; two people who just were not meant to me.
As hard of a decision as that was at the time, I knew in the pit of my stomach that it was bigger than just being the end of something. It was the beginning of me taking control of my life. It was the start of saying “No” to my toxic past and “Yes” to my healthy future.
And so I ended it for good with Alice.
But, much like the decision had been the beginning of something better for myself, I soon discovered that it was also the beginning of a better relationship for me and Alice. As this was my first serious commitment in the lesbian world, I was totally unprepared for what would grow in place of all that had seemingly died. When a beak up occurred in a heterosexual relationship, or at least the ones I had been involved in, the love you shared with the other person was just tossed out like garbage; lost forever, never to be thought of again. That had always seemed such a waste to me. To care for and nurture this magical force that existed between you and another human being only to discard it like something that was repulsive or a nuisance or even replaceable seemed entirely tragic and reckless. Even the relationships that ended mutually with limited hurt and resentment were, at best, packaged away like old family photographs to be stored somewhere safe and maybe, just maybe, be reflected on in old age.
I didn’t want our love thrown out or collecting dust. It didn’t deserve to be boxed away and forgotten. I wanted to save it and celebrate it and hold it close to my heart forever
Thankfully, so did Alice. What blossomed between us was a freindship, a deep connected friendship that only comes after you have been truly intamite with someone in all aspects of your life. It was better that I could have ever hoped for. Instead of feeling discarded I felt more loved than ever. I knew this was the beginning of a life long friendship. What I didn’t know, was how much that friendship was about to be tested in the coming months…..
Lesbian X
Friday, March 4, 2011
The Yo-Yo
Blog # 21
The Yo-yo. As a child, it was a favorite toy and pastime. I could spend hours playing alone in my room amazed at how it seemed to defy all that I had learned about gravity and trying to master it’s most revered tricks. I could “walk the dog”, “go around the world“, “loop the loop“. As an adult, however, the yo-yo took on a far different meaning. No longer was it a simple, innocent game. Now, it was a type of relationship often encountered in the lesbian world and the place I seemed to find myself in with Alice. It was a back and forth of two people in love who just couldn’t seem to let go. I didn’t know it at the time but all my practice as a little girl was really just preparation for my adulthood female relationships.
Seeing me with another girl had shaken Alice to the core. I answered her two a.m. phone call knowing, fair well, that I wasn’t just opening up a line of communication with her. By taking that call, while in the vulnerable state I was in, it was possible, that I was opening up the door to our old relationship. Although I was totally and completely aware of this possibility, my need to talk to her, to hear her voice was just too overwhelming to pass up. So I answered her call; fully prepared to take on whatever antics lied on the other end and partially prepared to give her another chance.
With the flick of my wrist, I pulled the yo-yo back in….
But as had become quite standard the last couple of weeks, I found Alice in quite an emotional state when I answered the phone. She was pissed. Really pissed. Outside my house and demanding to be let in “pissed”. Like a cartoon thought bubble popped unexpectedly by the pinpoint of someone demanding your attention, the ever warming sentiments brewing in my mind the last hour were shattered immediately by the sharpness of her tone. Great….here we go again.
I guess I was expecting tears, expecting her to be as miserable and lonely and sad as I was. What I got instead was a giant helping of her sense of Entitlement and total disregard for her part in this break-up. Both of which, in a matter of nano seconds, managed to cannonball be right back into a state of rage. Let her in?? Was she crazy? So we could scream and yell at each other and wake up every single one of my roommates, if not the whole neighborhood ?? Not a chance in hell.
With the flick of my wrist, I let the yo-yo fall back down to the floor……
All I had wanted was for her climb into bed with me. I wanted to crawl into her arms and disappear into the warmth of her body. I wanted to burry my head in her chest, sink into her skin and forget this whole ridiculous night had ever happened. But, now, all I wanted was for her to go home. Assured that nothing was going to be resolved tonight, I assured her that it would be better if we talked tomorrow. Begrudgingly, I said “goodnight” and went to bed alone, torn by the dueling feelings of wanting to ring her neck and desperately wanting her next to me at the same time.
But as the next couple of days came and went, so did my anger and in the calm of a brand new day, Alice was able to put her ego aside and truly apologize. It wasn’t just about her selfishly wanting me back anymore. She was finely able to own up to what she had done and ask for a second chance to make it up to me. Truth be told, as every day passed, I was starting to miss Alice more and more. She had been so good to me when we first met and although she drove me crazy with her jealousy and broke my trust with her indiscretion, she was nothing but wonderful in the beginning. What had happened to make all that change? I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I had played some part in that. Maybe I hadn’t given her a reason to feel secure. Deep down she really was a beautiful, considerate, kind, loving and generous human being. Surely, someone with those qualities deserved a second chance. Then it occurred to me….
Who was really being punished in this separation? My refusal to give in was due, partly, to the fact that I felt like Alice needed to pay for her mistake. But, at what cost?? While punishing Alice, I was, inadvertently, punishing myself. If we both wanted to be together than who was stopping us?
I realized, the only thing standing in our way was me.
And, so, with the flick of my wrist, I pulled the yo-yo back in.
-Lesbian X
The Yo-yo. As a child, it was a favorite toy and pastime. I could spend hours playing alone in my room amazed at how it seemed to defy all that I had learned about gravity and trying to master it’s most revered tricks. I could “walk the dog”, “go around the world“, “loop the loop“. As an adult, however, the yo-yo took on a far different meaning. No longer was it a simple, innocent game. Now, it was a type of relationship often encountered in the lesbian world and the place I seemed to find myself in with Alice. It was a back and forth of two people in love who just couldn’t seem to let go. I didn’t know it at the time but all my practice as a little girl was really just preparation for my adulthood female relationships.
Seeing me with another girl had shaken Alice to the core. I answered her two a.m. phone call knowing, fair well, that I wasn’t just opening up a line of communication with her. By taking that call, while in the vulnerable state I was in, it was possible, that I was opening up the door to our old relationship. Although I was totally and completely aware of this possibility, my need to talk to her, to hear her voice was just too overwhelming to pass up. So I answered her call; fully prepared to take on whatever antics lied on the other end and partially prepared to give her another chance.
With the flick of my wrist, I pulled the yo-yo back in….
But as had become quite standard the last couple of weeks, I found Alice in quite an emotional state when I answered the phone. She was pissed. Really pissed. Outside my house and demanding to be let in “pissed”. Like a cartoon thought bubble popped unexpectedly by the pinpoint of someone demanding your attention, the ever warming sentiments brewing in my mind the last hour were shattered immediately by the sharpness of her tone. Great….here we go again.
I guess I was expecting tears, expecting her to be as miserable and lonely and sad as I was. What I got instead was a giant helping of her sense of Entitlement and total disregard for her part in this break-up. Both of which, in a matter of nano seconds, managed to cannonball be right back into a state of rage. Let her in?? Was she crazy? So we could scream and yell at each other and wake up every single one of my roommates, if not the whole neighborhood ?? Not a chance in hell.
With the flick of my wrist, I let the yo-yo fall back down to the floor……
All I had wanted was for her climb into bed with me. I wanted to crawl into her arms and disappear into the warmth of her body. I wanted to burry my head in her chest, sink into her skin and forget this whole ridiculous night had ever happened. But, now, all I wanted was for her to go home. Assured that nothing was going to be resolved tonight, I assured her that it would be better if we talked tomorrow. Begrudgingly, I said “goodnight” and went to bed alone, torn by the dueling feelings of wanting to ring her neck and desperately wanting her next to me at the same time.
But as the next couple of days came and went, so did my anger and in the calm of a brand new day, Alice was able to put her ego aside and truly apologize. It wasn’t just about her selfishly wanting me back anymore. She was finely able to own up to what she had done and ask for a second chance to make it up to me. Truth be told, as every day passed, I was starting to miss Alice more and more. She had been so good to me when we first met and although she drove me crazy with her jealousy and broke my trust with her indiscretion, she was nothing but wonderful in the beginning. What had happened to make all that change? I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I had played some part in that. Maybe I hadn’t given her a reason to feel secure. Deep down she really was a beautiful, considerate, kind, loving and generous human being. Surely, someone with those qualities deserved a second chance. Then it occurred to me….
Who was really being punished in this separation? My refusal to give in was due, partly, to the fact that I felt like Alice needed to pay for her mistake. But, at what cost?? While punishing Alice, I was, inadvertently, punishing myself. If we both wanted to be together than who was stopping us?
I realized, the only thing standing in our way was me.
And, so, with the flick of my wrist, I pulled the yo-yo back in.
-Lesbian X
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Beer Goggles
Blog #20
Beer goggles. I had heard the rumors but never fully understood what that meant until it happened to me. In my quest to avoid Alice, I had spent way too much time at the bar earlier that night and in the wake of trying to lose my anxiety, I had, accidentally, found a major buzz.
This buzz had served me well while on the dance floor but as my date and I stumbled downstairs to the outside patio I began to notice just how drunk I really was. Not a good scenario to find yourself in when in the company of a stranger but I was so angry at Alice that I let it fuel my interest in getting to know this mysterious girl. After all, we had been groping each other on the dance floor for the last 20 minutes, I felt an actual conversation was in order.
As we took a seat outside we began to have one of those fake “getting to know you” conversations, awkwardly staring with……
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name”
From there I managed to pull out as many questions about her life as I could possibly muster up, although, I knew for a fact that a) I wouldn’t remember a single answer tomorrow and b) it was entirely out of self imposed obligation as, at this very moment, I couldn’t care less.
Regardless, we sat there and went through the usual line up of interrogation……”where are you from”, “what do you do”, and as annoying as that was at this point in the night and at this juncture of drunkenness, it was a lot less painful then what followed.....
The first kiss.
Now we all know that the first kiss is not a fair representation of what your kissing potential could be with someone. It’s not always fireworks and weak knees in the beginning. It is very often what you could chalk up to a great first attempt with the hope that it will be better the next time as you become more comfortable with one another and get each other’s “kissing styles” down. What happened next could never fall into that category. It was so horrific, so unpleasant that it a had a category all it’s own. This kiss was so bad that it had to be, not only placed, but rushed to and locked away inside that special file you keep in your head labeled: “Never EVER kiss this person again”!!
I remember specifically screaming “Ow!!!” more that a few times, which is a bad sign and a nail in the coffin on this relationship as far as I was concerned.
She bit me. Correction…she kept biting me. Something I’d be all for later down the line but not OK on a first kiss…. at a lesbian club……. probably happening in front of several people I know.
Was this chick as drunk as I was?? I feel like the first scream of agony should have been a clear signal to keep her teeth from tearing away at my lip. Apparently it was not. She seemed to read it as an invitation to keep at it because it happened over and over until I literally pushed her off me in disgust. As I did so, I looked back at her suddenly with a realization that was even more scary than her kissing……this girl was not as cute as I had originally thought she was. I mean, it was still a little hard to tell in my condition but I had sobered up a tiny bit now and my newly clearer vision was having some serious doubts.
How had this happened?? Had the booze really affected my judgment to this elevated a degree??? I needed a second opinion to be sure. I excused myself to the ladies room in a desperate escape to find Katie. While in line for the bathroom I sent her a 911 text to meet me downstairs immediately. This was a dating emergency and I needed back-up A.S.A.P.
I couldn’t believe it but this whole situation was staring to backfire on me. The whole point of me coming out tonight was to have fun and forget about all the bullshit going on with Alice. The whole purpose for me avoiding her all night was so that I could have the freedom to be single and meet someone new. But, now that I, seemingly, had gotten everything I wanted, I found myself standing alone in line for the bathroom missing her to such an intense extent that all I really wanted to do now was run into her arms and tell her I’d made a terrible mistake. If it wasn’t for Katie finding me at that exact moment, I might have done just that.
So, in a last attempt to salvage this night I explained the situation to her in the hopes that she would tell me I was just being silly and that this girl waiting for me outside was super hot and to totally go for it. However, in compliance with the continuing disaster that had been the theme all evening, this is not what happened.
Katie looked at me and laughed as she put her hand on my shoulder and said with certainty……
“Two words, buddy. Beer Goggles” followed by an advised “ABORT MISSION”.
And, with those words, I did just that.
As I got home and got ready for bed, I was plagued with a longing for Alice that was so overwhelming I thought I might burst from sadness.
Had I made a mistake? Could I live without her? Should I take her back?
My mind was racing with questions and doubt. Where I went from there, I didn't know. I was totally and completely lost.
And just as I thought I couldn't feel any worse, I heard my phone ringing from the other room.
Why had I given that girl my number?? I ran into the kitchen to grab my phone and send this unwanted caller to voice mail but as I picked up my cell I noticed the name that was blinking on the screen. It was Alice!!!
And I knew what I had to do.......
-Lesbian X
Beer goggles. I had heard the rumors but never fully understood what that meant until it happened to me. In my quest to avoid Alice, I had spent way too much time at the bar earlier that night and in the wake of trying to lose my anxiety, I had, accidentally, found a major buzz.
This buzz had served me well while on the dance floor but as my date and I stumbled downstairs to the outside patio I began to notice just how drunk I really was. Not a good scenario to find yourself in when in the company of a stranger but I was so angry at Alice that I let it fuel my interest in getting to know this mysterious girl. After all, we had been groping each other on the dance floor for the last 20 minutes, I felt an actual conversation was in order.
As we took a seat outside we began to have one of those fake “getting to know you” conversations, awkwardly staring with……
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name”
From there I managed to pull out as many questions about her life as I could possibly muster up, although, I knew for a fact that a) I wouldn’t remember a single answer tomorrow and b) it was entirely out of self imposed obligation as, at this very moment, I couldn’t care less.
Regardless, we sat there and went through the usual line up of interrogation……”where are you from”, “what do you do”, and as annoying as that was at this point in the night and at this juncture of drunkenness, it was a lot less painful then what followed.....
The first kiss.
Now we all know that the first kiss is not a fair representation of what your kissing potential could be with someone. It’s not always fireworks and weak knees in the beginning. It is very often what you could chalk up to a great first attempt with the hope that it will be better the next time as you become more comfortable with one another and get each other’s “kissing styles” down. What happened next could never fall into that category. It was so horrific, so unpleasant that it a had a category all it’s own. This kiss was so bad that it had to be, not only placed, but rushed to and locked away inside that special file you keep in your head labeled: “Never EVER kiss this person again”!!
I remember specifically screaming “Ow!!!” more that a few times, which is a bad sign and a nail in the coffin on this relationship as far as I was concerned.
She bit me. Correction…she kept biting me. Something I’d be all for later down the line but not OK on a first kiss…. at a lesbian club……. probably happening in front of several people I know.
Was this chick as drunk as I was?? I feel like the first scream of agony should have been a clear signal to keep her teeth from tearing away at my lip. Apparently it was not. She seemed to read it as an invitation to keep at it because it happened over and over until I literally pushed her off me in disgust. As I did so, I looked back at her suddenly with a realization that was even more scary than her kissing……this girl was not as cute as I had originally thought she was. I mean, it was still a little hard to tell in my condition but I had sobered up a tiny bit now and my newly clearer vision was having some serious doubts.
How had this happened?? Had the booze really affected my judgment to this elevated a degree??? I needed a second opinion to be sure. I excused myself to the ladies room in a desperate escape to find Katie. While in line for the bathroom I sent her a 911 text to meet me downstairs immediately. This was a dating emergency and I needed back-up A.S.A.P.
I couldn’t believe it but this whole situation was staring to backfire on me. The whole point of me coming out tonight was to have fun and forget about all the bullshit going on with Alice. The whole purpose for me avoiding her all night was so that I could have the freedom to be single and meet someone new. But, now that I, seemingly, had gotten everything I wanted, I found myself standing alone in line for the bathroom missing her to such an intense extent that all I really wanted to do now was run into her arms and tell her I’d made a terrible mistake. If it wasn’t for Katie finding me at that exact moment, I might have done just that.
So, in a last attempt to salvage this night I explained the situation to her in the hopes that she would tell me I was just being silly and that this girl waiting for me outside was super hot and to totally go for it. However, in compliance with the continuing disaster that had been the theme all evening, this is not what happened.
Katie looked at me and laughed as she put her hand on my shoulder and said with certainty……
“Two words, buddy. Beer Goggles” followed by an advised “ABORT MISSION”.
And, with those words, I did just that.
As I got home and got ready for bed, I was plagued with a longing for Alice that was so overwhelming I thought I might burst from sadness.
Had I made a mistake? Could I live without her? Should I take her back?
My mind was racing with questions and doubt. Where I went from there, I didn't know. I was totally and completely lost.
And just as I thought I couldn't feel any worse, I heard my phone ringing from the other room.
Why had I given that girl my number?? I ran into the kitchen to grab my phone and send this unwanted caller to voice mail but as I picked up my cell I noticed the name that was blinking on the screen. It was Alice!!!
And I knew what I had to do.......
-Lesbian X
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Introduction
Blog #19
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four. Hiding from Alice all night had taken it’s toll and I was looking for a bit of relief at the bottom of a shot glass. Miraculously, I seemed to find exactly what I was looking for. All the anxiety and guilt I felt washed clean away and, just like magic, I was back in the game ready to take on this place. I had no idea what Alice was up to downstairs and now I didn’t care.
Riding that wave of intoxication, Katie and I headed to the dance floor, which, I must add, was not only a good space to bust a move but, simultaneously, provided me with safe cover. DJ Saratonin was spinning all my favorite guilty pleasure dance beats and, in a much needed release, we danced our drunken, gay asses off. Finally, I was having a good time. Finally, I got to experience the thrill that this new freedom provided me. Finally, no Alice, no drama, just me and my friend dancing our cares away.
As I looked around the room to take inventory of any possible prospects, I noticed someone staring at me from a far. I focused in to see who it was but I didn’t recognize her. Hmm……a lesbian I didn’t know yet?? Definite Plus! I couldn’t tell though, was this girl checking me out?? Was I getting cruised?? God, I hoped so. I smiled in her general direction on the slim chance that I was, nothing to obvious, just a friendly grin to move things along and that seemed to be about all she needed. Before I could even tell if she was cute or ask Katie for a second opinion, this girl was heading right towards me!!
“Would you like to dance”, she asked
With my tequila eyes I gave this chick the once over. My inspection was half-assed. I was mid-euphoric status and my elation had taken precedent over any silly little details. Hot or not, neither here nor there as far as I was concerned. The high I was riding left absolutely no room for any negative forms of thought. Everything sounded like a good idea, and consequently, at this point, so did anyone.
Would I?? Yes please!
I looked over both my shoulders to see if the coast was clear. Alice was nowhere in sight, thank god. I was not in the mood for a scene right now and this was just the kind of thing that would set her off.
All systems a-go, she grabbed my hand and led me to the middle of the dance floor. “Just perfect” I thought, the chances of Alice finding me this deep in the crowd are slim to none!
As we pushed our way through the girls to the first piece of empty space we could find, a sort of realization came over me. This was the first girl to touch me since Alice came along. I mean we were only holding hands, sure, but this was the first time some other girl besides her had me in their grips with the intention of something sexual. I decided to roll with it, after all, that was why I had come wasn’t it? That was the whole reason I had been hiding out from Alice all night…..the freedom to do exactly this. It was a notion I decided to store in the back of my mind with the rest of my neurosis. Right now I was going to dance with this girl, whoever she was.
I have to say, she really knew how to move. I usually ride solo on the dance floor but something about the rhythm of our bodies were tune. I mean, we were in perfect sync!! We got closer and closer and in almost no time at all, and without even knowing her name, she was all over me. Truth be told, at the moment, I couldn’t have been more pleased about that. I was feeling good, I was feeling free, I was feeling like I could stay in this moment forever.
Alice, on the other hand, was going to let it go on for exactly two more seconds. Before I knew it, I spotted my Ex storming across the dance floor like a wild animal charging towards it’s next victim. It was dark but, even so, I could still spot the intensity and ferocity in her piercing eyes.
“Oh shit” is all I managed to get out before she reached us. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be afraid for our lives. We were just dancing for god’s sake, albeit, practically on top of each other, but I was single, damnit!! Not only was she not my girlfriend anymore but she had cheated on me, admittedly! You'd think that would entitle me to a little dance here and there but, clearly, in Alice’s mind, it most certainly did not.
She pushed her way in between us and stuck her hand out to my dance partner as she introduced herself.
“Hi, I’m Alice, who the hell are you??”
I didn’t even give the girl a chance to respond. Alice may have pushed her way in between us but what she had really just done was push me straight into this girl’s arms. If I was feeling hesitant before, if the nostalgia of all that we had shared was sitting in the back of my mind waiting to pop up and stop me from taking things any further, it was now officially gone. My rage at her audacity had now completely taken over. In protest to her sheer lack of respect for my personal space, I let myself be inconsiderate of her feelings for once and left her heart-broken on the dance floor. As my new date and I walked away, I turned and looked back to see Alice standing alone. Abandoned and defeated. And at that moment, I didn’t care.
-Lesbian X
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four. Hiding from Alice all night had taken it’s toll and I was looking for a bit of relief at the bottom of a shot glass. Miraculously, I seemed to find exactly what I was looking for. All the anxiety and guilt I felt washed clean away and, just like magic, I was back in the game ready to take on this place. I had no idea what Alice was up to downstairs and now I didn’t care.
Riding that wave of intoxication, Katie and I headed to the dance floor, which, I must add, was not only a good space to bust a move but, simultaneously, provided me with safe cover. DJ Saratonin was spinning all my favorite guilty pleasure dance beats and, in a much needed release, we danced our drunken, gay asses off. Finally, I was having a good time. Finally, I got to experience the thrill that this new freedom provided me. Finally, no Alice, no drama, just me and my friend dancing our cares away.
As I looked around the room to take inventory of any possible prospects, I noticed someone staring at me from a far. I focused in to see who it was but I didn’t recognize her. Hmm……a lesbian I didn’t know yet?? Definite Plus! I couldn’t tell though, was this girl checking me out?? Was I getting cruised?? God, I hoped so. I smiled in her general direction on the slim chance that I was, nothing to obvious, just a friendly grin to move things along and that seemed to be about all she needed. Before I could even tell if she was cute or ask Katie for a second opinion, this girl was heading right towards me!!
“Would you like to dance”, she asked
With my tequila eyes I gave this chick the once over. My inspection was half-assed. I was mid-euphoric status and my elation had taken precedent over any silly little details. Hot or not, neither here nor there as far as I was concerned. The high I was riding left absolutely no room for any negative forms of thought. Everything sounded like a good idea, and consequently, at this point, so did anyone.
Would I?? Yes please!
I looked over both my shoulders to see if the coast was clear. Alice was nowhere in sight, thank god. I was not in the mood for a scene right now and this was just the kind of thing that would set her off.
All systems a-go, she grabbed my hand and led me to the middle of the dance floor. “Just perfect” I thought, the chances of Alice finding me this deep in the crowd are slim to none!
As we pushed our way through the girls to the first piece of empty space we could find, a sort of realization came over me. This was the first girl to touch me since Alice came along. I mean we were only holding hands, sure, but this was the first time some other girl besides her had me in their grips with the intention of something sexual. I decided to roll with it, after all, that was why I had come wasn’t it? That was the whole reason I had been hiding out from Alice all night…..the freedom to do exactly this. It was a notion I decided to store in the back of my mind with the rest of my neurosis. Right now I was going to dance with this girl, whoever she was.
I have to say, she really knew how to move. I usually ride solo on the dance floor but something about the rhythm of our bodies were tune. I mean, we were in perfect sync!! We got closer and closer and in almost no time at all, and without even knowing her name, she was all over me. Truth be told, at the moment, I couldn’t have been more pleased about that. I was feeling good, I was feeling free, I was feeling like I could stay in this moment forever.
Alice, on the other hand, was going to let it go on for exactly two more seconds. Before I knew it, I spotted my Ex storming across the dance floor like a wild animal charging towards it’s next victim. It was dark but, even so, I could still spot the intensity and ferocity in her piercing eyes.
“Oh shit” is all I managed to get out before she reached us. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be afraid for our lives. We were just dancing for god’s sake, albeit, practically on top of each other, but I was single, damnit!! Not only was she not my girlfriend anymore but she had cheated on me, admittedly! You'd think that would entitle me to a little dance here and there but, clearly, in Alice’s mind, it most certainly did not.
She pushed her way in between us and stuck her hand out to my dance partner as she introduced herself.
“Hi, I’m Alice, who the hell are you??”
I didn’t even give the girl a chance to respond. Alice may have pushed her way in between us but what she had really just done was push me straight into this girl’s arms. If I was feeling hesitant before, if the nostalgia of all that we had shared was sitting in the back of my mind waiting to pop up and stop me from taking things any further, it was now officially gone. My rage at her audacity had now completely taken over. In protest to her sheer lack of respect for my personal space, I let myself be inconsiderate of her feelings for once and left her heart-broken on the dance floor. As my new date and I walked away, I turned and looked back to see Alice standing alone. Abandoned and defeated. And at that moment, I didn’t care.
-Lesbian X
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
It's Complicated
Blog #18
“It’s Complicated“. Not only is it a relationship status option on everyone’s favorite social network, Facebook, but, more importantly, it’s a common state of being in the lesbian world. A break up is never really an official parting of ways. There is “the break moment” followed, almost religiously, by a lingering period of 6-8 weeks. It is, in this period, a time of trying to move on mixed with, equal parts, clinging desperately to the memory of whatever happiness you once shared with your newly departed. It is a time of shear and utter confusion, as, in one sense, you enjoy all the pleasures of new found freedom but on the other hand are existing in a tortuous state of mourning love lost. This is the limbo I found myself drowning in after the break up with Alice. The sense of relief I felt was in constant conflict with the intense bond we had formed, although, until our separation, I was unaware of how truly powerful it was.
Alice was no help on this matter. Yes, she had cheated, but I think it was more like a child acting out for attention than it was her wanting to be with someone else. She made it very clear in the following days that she was in no way prepared to lose me and the degree of her pursuit to win me back was even stronger than her original courtship. The never-ending phone calls, the incessant text messaging, even showing up drunk outside my house and demanding to be let in, had all become part of her daily routine. She just wasn’t ready to call it quits and her certainty that it was not over had me thinking that maybe I had made a terrible mistake.
Tempting as it might be, though, I wasn’t willing to give in yet. There was a huge part of my mind set that wanted to enjoy being single, especially at this early stage in my coming out. There was not a night that I had been out with Alex that my eyes didn’t do a bit of innocent wandering and I felt like I needed to explore those possibilities. Maybe things would eventually work out with her but, until then, I was going to live my new found single life to the fullest whether Alice liked it or not
Or at least I thought I would…..
My first attempt did not go as smoothly as I had originally seen it in my mind.
In the reality that Alice and I shared a mutual friendship with most of the girls we knew, we seemed to ALWAYS end up at the same place. Night after night the excitement of new found adventures and relationships to come was immediately shattered by the sight (and following evil glare) of my ex-girlfriend who would be watching me like a hawk, ready to swoop in and attack anyone standing in her way of getting back together with me.
There was to be no talking to anyone remotely attractive without her instant appearance at my side. In fact, there would be no talking to anyone, period, without her interruption.
So on my first night out, as I walked into the Tuesday night party at club Eleven, my sense of wonderment was sent spinning into an early grave of defeat at the sight of Alice standing by the bar.
I spotted our friends gathered on the outside patio and joined them half-heartedly .I knew Alice would be on her way back over to them soon but they were my friends too damnit!! In the mix of these girls was Darcy. She had started dating Cara about the same time that Alice and I got together and, like us, the relationship was newly dissolved. Unlike Alice, however, Darcy, who was still madly in love with Cara, would, instead of cock-blocking, be so utterly disturbed by the sight of her Ex, that she would spend the next 20 minutes in the bathroom puking her guts out.
As I looked over my shoulder to see if Alice was still at the bar, I got a glimpse of Darcy’s face. The look of shear horror on it told me Cara must be in da house and, like clockwork, the poor girl burst into tears while making a mad dash to the bathroom. As I was about to follow behind her in support I noticed Alice take wind and take my place as the “hair-holder”. I took the opportunity to get the hell out of dodge and head up to the dance floor upstairs. I had been inside the building exactly 5 minutes and already all hell had broke loose. WTF??
Katie, a good friend of mine was hanging near the D.J. booth so I ran over immediately to take refuge. In the realization of how ridiculous the situation had become (Darcy vomiting, Me hiding) I began to doubt whether I would ever have a real shot at any normalcy ever again.
I came to have a good time in the new-found freedom of singlehood and here I was a virtual prisoner of Alice’s temporary insanity. As I looked around the room in disappointment for all that I would most likely be missing out on I had one clear, concise, re-occurring thought that rang over and over again like a Buddhist mantra in my head…..
“Dear Lord, just let my ex-girlfriend stay on the bottom floor tonight"!!!
-Lesbian X
“It’s Complicated“. Not only is it a relationship status option on everyone’s favorite social network, Facebook, but, more importantly, it’s a common state of being in the lesbian world. A break up is never really an official parting of ways. There is “the break moment” followed, almost religiously, by a lingering period of 6-8 weeks. It is, in this period, a time of trying to move on mixed with, equal parts, clinging desperately to the memory of whatever happiness you once shared with your newly departed. It is a time of shear and utter confusion, as, in one sense, you enjoy all the pleasures of new found freedom but on the other hand are existing in a tortuous state of mourning love lost. This is the limbo I found myself drowning in after the break up with Alice. The sense of relief I felt was in constant conflict with the intense bond we had formed, although, until our separation, I was unaware of how truly powerful it was.
Alice was no help on this matter. Yes, she had cheated, but I think it was more like a child acting out for attention than it was her wanting to be with someone else. She made it very clear in the following days that she was in no way prepared to lose me and the degree of her pursuit to win me back was even stronger than her original courtship. The never-ending phone calls, the incessant text messaging, even showing up drunk outside my house and demanding to be let in, had all become part of her daily routine. She just wasn’t ready to call it quits and her certainty that it was not over had me thinking that maybe I had made a terrible mistake.
Tempting as it might be, though, I wasn’t willing to give in yet. There was a huge part of my mind set that wanted to enjoy being single, especially at this early stage in my coming out. There was not a night that I had been out with Alex that my eyes didn’t do a bit of innocent wandering and I felt like I needed to explore those possibilities. Maybe things would eventually work out with her but, until then, I was going to live my new found single life to the fullest whether Alice liked it or not
Or at least I thought I would…..
My first attempt did not go as smoothly as I had originally seen it in my mind.
In the reality that Alice and I shared a mutual friendship with most of the girls we knew, we seemed to ALWAYS end up at the same place. Night after night the excitement of new found adventures and relationships to come was immediately shattered by the sight (and following evil glare) of my ex-girlfriend who would be watching me like a hawk, ready to swoop in and attack anyone standing in her way of getting back together with me.
There was to be no talking to anyone remotely attractive without her instant appearance at my side. In fact, there would be no talking to anyone, period, without her interruption.
So on my first night out, as I walked into the Tuesday night party at club Eleven, my sense of wonderment was sent spinning into an early grave of defeat at the sight of Alice standing by the bar.
I spotted our friends gathered on the outside patio and joined them half-heartedly .I knew Alice would be on her way back over to them soon but they were my friends too damnit!! In the mix of these girls was Darcy. She had started dating Cara about the same time that Alice and I got together and, like us, the relationship was newly dissolved. Unlike Alice, however, Darcy, who was still madly in love with Cara, would, instead of cock-blocking, be so utterly disturbed by the sight of her Ex, that she would spend the next 20 minutes in the bathroom puking her guts out.
As I looked over my shoulder to see if Alice was still at the bar, I got a glimpse of Darcy’s face. The look of shear horror on it told me Cara must be in da house and, like clockwork, the poor girl burst into tears while making a mad dash to the bathroom. As I was about to follow behind her in support I noticed Alice take wind and take my place as the “hair-holder”. I took the opportunity to get the hell out of dodge and head up to the dance floor upstairs. I had been inside the building exactly 5 minutes and already all hell had broke loose. WTF??
Katie, a good friend of mine was hanging near the D.J. booth so I ran over immediately to take refuge. In the realization of how ridiculous the situation had become (Darcy vomiting, Me hiding) I began to doubt whether I would ever have a real shot at any normalcy ever again.
I came to have a good time in the new-found freedom of singlehood and here I was a virtual prisoner of Alice’s temporary insanity. As I looked around the room in disappointment for all that I would most likely be missing out on I had one clear, concise, re-occurring thought that rang over and over again like a Buddhist mantra in my head…..
“Dear Lord, just let my ex-girlfriend stay on the bottom floor tonight"!!!
-Lesbian X
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Pretty and Willing
Blog #17
Janie. She was pretty…….and that’s about it. Looking back, I have tried to pinpoint what about her was so amazing, so intoxicating that Alice would betray my trust just to spend a night or two with. Looking back, I can honestly say that there isn’t anything particularly special about her. Mostly, she was just willing I guess.
Now, I say this not out of bitterness or vengeance. I say this, only, because it is the truth. Out of everyone we knew, she was the least interesting, most dull and, to be honest, was the type of person you forgot was even in the room. But, like I said, she was pretty and willing.
The worst part was that her girlfriend, Denise, was not only one of the best people I had ever met, but she was madly in love with Janie and was going to be destroyed when she found out, although, I wasn’t going to be the one to tell her.
I only knew by accident. In one of Alice’s temper tantrums she blurted it out, in what I can only imagine, as a last attempt to get one more jab in at me before I left her.
We had been laying in bed one night arguing over God knows what and I had finally had enough. I told her I needed a break from her, and that it might turn into an actual break up if things didn’t change. She rolled over and looked at me straight in the eye and said, “Well, just so you know, I slept with someone else”. Just like that, so matter of factly. As if that were going to change my mind in her favor. As if the jealousy I felt over her indiscretion would make me realize that that I couldn’t stand for her to be with anyone else send me running back into her arms…… or, like I said, maybe it was just a last attempt to get one more jab in before I left.
The funny thing was that, at this point, I didn’t even care that she’d cheated. Things had gone from a blissful beginning to shit storm of constant jealousy and arguments and, truth be told, I was looking for an easy out. I was totally in love with her but we couldn’t seem to go even one day without finding a way to make each other miserable. Sure, we’d always make up, and there is nothing like having wild, passionate make-up sex, but that thrill was wearing thin and it just wasn’t worth it to me anymore. Her little confession was just an assurance that I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was out! I did, however, have every intention of pulling every single last detail out of her before I stormed out of the room and out of this twisted, soul crushing relationship.
According to Alice it meant nothing. It was some attention thrown her way and she jumped on the opportunity (literally). The really sick part was that she did it right in front of me….the text messaging, the plotting, the lying as to why she needed to go over to Janie’s house. The sicker part was that I had no idea. The thought that she or anyone who loved me as much as she did would ever do something so deceitful and ugly had never even occurred to me, and now, it always would.
I mean I get it. The fighting had gotten out of control which in turn made me want to sleep as far on the other side of the bed as I could get. Mix that up with the jealousy that had been brewing and I could see why Alice was in such dire need of affection. The rational part of my brain understood but there was still a better part of me that wanted to get as far away from her as I possibly could. And so I got up, grabbed my things, and I left. I left her apartment, I left her and all her insecurities, I left all the arguments and the misery and, most importantly, I left behind the weight I’d been carrying on my shoulders for the last few months. I left US and I went home to my own bed where for the first time in a while, I felt peace.
I was free.
And I planned on taking full advantage of that.
-Lesbian X
Janie. She was pretty…….and that’s about it. Looking back, I have tried to pinpoint what about her was so amazing, so intoxicating that Alice would betray my trust just to spend a night or two with. Looking back, I can honestly say that there isn’t anything particularly special about her. Mostly, she was just willing I guess.
Now, I say this not out of bitterness or vengeance. I say this, only, because it is the truth. Out of everyone we knew, she was the least interesting, most dull and, to be honest, was the type of person you forgot was even in the room. But, like I said, she was pretty and willing.
The worst part was that her girlfriend, Denise, was not only one of the best people I had ever met, but she was madly in love with Janie and was going to be destroyed when she found out, although, I wasn’t going to be the one to tell her.
I only knew by accident. In one of Alice’s temper tantrums she blurted it out, in what I can only imagine, as a last attempt to get one more jab in at me before I left her.
We had been laying in bed one night arguing over God knows what and I had finally had enough. I told her I needed a break from her, and that it might turn into an actual break up if things didn’t change. She rolled over and looked at me straight in the eye and said, “Well, just so you know, I slept with someone else”. Just like that, so matter of factly. As if that were going to change my mind in her favor. As if the jealousy I felt over her indiscretion would make me realize that that I couldn’t stand for her to be with anyone else send me running back into her arms…… or, like I said, maybe it was just a last attempt to get one more jab in before I left.
The funny thing was that, at this point, I didn’t even care that she’d cheated. Things had gone from a blissful beginning to shit storm of constant jealousy and arguments and, truth be told, I was looking for an easy out. I was totally in love with her but we couldn’t seem to go even one day without finding a way to make each other miserable. Sure, we’d always make up, and there is nothing like having wild, passionate make-up sex, but that thrill was wearing thin and it just wasn’t worth it to me anymore. Her little confession was just an assurance that I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was out! I did, however, have every intention of pulling every single last detail out of her before I stormed out of the room and out of this twisted, soul crushing relationship.
According to Alice it meant nothing. It was some attention thrown her way and she jumped on the opportunity (literally). The really sick part was that she did it right in front of me….the text messaging, the plotting, the lying as to why she needed to go over to Janie’s house. The sicker part was that I had no idea. The thought that she or anyone who loved me as much as she did would ever do something so deceitful and ugly had never even occurred to me, and now, it always would.
I mean I get it. The fighting had gotten out of control which in turn made me want to sleep as far on the other side of the bed as I could get. Mix that up with the jealousy that had been brewing and I could see why Alice was in such dire need of affection. The rational part of my brain understood but there was still a better part of me that wanted to get as far away from her as I possibly could. And so I got up, grabbed my things, and I left. I left her apartment, I left her and all her insecurities, I left all the arguments and the misery and, most importantly, I left behind the weight I’d been carrying on my shoulders for the last few months. I left US and I went home to my own bed where for the first time in a while, I felt peace.
I was free.
And I planned on taking full advantage of that.
-Lesbian X
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