Passing the baton

Blog #23

Time heals all wounds, so they say. Especially, wounds of the heart. Exactly how much Time, however, “they”, conveniently, left out of the prescription. That’s because no one really knows for sure. Time, although tested and true, has never been able to be reduced down to an exact science. It‘s mysterious healing powers are far beyond something you could locate under a microscope or test chemically in a tube. Dosage must be determined on a case to case basis. Not exactly the certainty one would hope for when trying to mend a broken heart but the best you’re going to get.

In the revelry of our new found friendship, I had been too caught up to stop and think about the obvious; Time. After a break up, how much breathing room do you need before you become entangled in each other’s lives again? How much Time do you need to be O.K. with the fact that your Ex is dating? Or rather, in this case, how much time do you need before you’re O.K. with your Ex dating your friend?

Which brings me to Darcy. I liked Darcy. We came out of the closet at almost the exact same time and had become relatively close over the past 6 months. I could usually count on the fact that, come the weekend, my cell phone would be blinking her name with the message “Brunch??“ waiting for me in my inbox like clockwork. Darcy looooved brunch. Well, she loved mimosas and the fact that it was totally acceptable, if not expected to have a glass of champagnes before noon. I always found her love of champagne funny, in an endearing sort of way, as her personality matched perfectly with the bubbles floating in her glass. She was light and airy and full of bubbly laughter. The sort of girl that got along with everyone. She was pretty but not intimidatingly beautiful enough to make other girls not like her. You could say being newbies served as a sort of bond between the two of us and we had grown accustomed to hanging out on a pretty regular basis along with our circle of friends.

As it turns out, Alice and Darcy were hanging out on the regular as well. Just the two of them. Just Alice and Darcy. Now, I thought this to be perfectly normal and platonic at the time. I was doing the same with our friend Katie. When going through a break up it is only natural to try and fill the void left by your Ex with all the friends that you blew off when you were in love. So, when Alice called me one day to explain why she and Darcy had left early the night before from a party that we were all at, I was completely caught off guard to discover the reason.

“Darcy felt uncomfortable”. That’s what Alice said. I guess I should have known what that meant, but as a new comer to this parallel universe it never occurred to me that the two of them showing up together was at all weird or any indication that something might be going on between them. Partly in fact because Alice was still, somewhat, trying to win me back but, mostly, because I was painfully unaware of the most prevalent and dangerous of all the Lesbian curses (and there are many); Falling in love with your best friend. Or at the very least, sleeping with them. This damn curse would eventually serve as my life long arch nemesis as well as something I can always count on to bite me in the ass but in that moment, I was utterly clueless.

“What do you mean she felt uncomfortable”, I asked with the purest of innocence. “Why would she feel weird? I know you guys are just friends”.

Her response: “Well, for now we are”.

Whaaaaaaaat?????????

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing OR what I was feeling for that matter. I mean, I, in no way, wanted to get back together with her but she was still mine. She was MY Alice. Mine and mine alone. I was not prepared in the slightest to move over and let Darcy take my place in her life. We had just begun our friendship, we were just starting to work out the kinks. We had a certain amount of ownership for one anther that had not completely dissipated yet. She couldn’t just go and pull the proverbial rug out from under my feet like that. I felt dizzy, sick, like I couldn’t breathe. There was a safety and a sense of comfort and unconditional love when Alice was near that I had waited my whole life to find. And Darcy couldn’t have it!

I guess I knew that eventually this day would come but I thought I would have more Time. I needed more Time, more of it’s medicinal potency before I could stomach the passing of the baton.

I was only mid-treatment for god‘s sake. We were mid treatment. The Time that had passed already had done wonders and we were in a good place. I was actually ready and willing to accept her dating someone else. Someone I didn’t know, that is. Someone who I could pretend was totally lame and unattractive and in no way a threat to our friendship. Someone who I could convince myself was just a rebound, someone for Alice to have a little fun with but would never be serious about. This was Darcy, though. This is someone I knew that was pretty and smart and fun and completely capable of meaning more to Alice than I did. I just wasn’t ready for that. I wondered, would interrupting my medicine result in permanent relationship damage? If Time was what you needed to move on and let go, for the pain and resentment to disappear, would disrupting treatment insure them to linger in my bones forever?

I guess only Time would tell. What I did know, however, was an alternate cure for getting over a past relationship. Falling for someone else! As chance would have it, the girl I had been secretly crushing on was about to become single as well. And as luck would have it, she had her eye on me.

Lesbian X