Blog #17
Janie. She was pretty…….and that’s about it. Looking back, I have tried to pinpoint what about her was so amazing, so intoxicating that Alice would betray my trust just to spend a night or two with. Looking back, I can honestly say that there isn’t anything particularly special about her. Mostly, she was just willing I guess.
Now, I say this not out of bitterness or vengeance. I say this, only, because it is the truth. Out of everyone we knew, she was the least interesting, most dull and, to be honest, was the type of person you forgot was even in the room. But, like I said, she was pretty and willing.
The worst part was that her girlfriend, Denise, was not only one of the best people I had ever met, but she was madly in love with Janie and was going to be destroyed when she found out, although, I wasn’t going to be the one to tell her.
I only knew by accident. In one of Alice’s temper tantrums she blurted it out, in what I can only imagine, as a last attempt to get one more jab in at me before I left her.
We had been laying in bed one night arguing over God knows what and I had finally had enough. I told her I needed a break from her, and that it might turn into an actual break up if things didn’t change. She rolled over and looked at me straight in the eye and said, “Well, just so you know, I slept with someone else”. Just like that, so matter of factly. As if that were going to change my mind in her favor. As if the jealousy I felt over her indiscretion would make me realize that that I couldn’t stand for her to be with anyone else send me running back into her arms…… or, like I said, maybe it was just a last attempt to get one more jab in before I left.
The funny thing was that, at this point, I didn’t even care that she’d cheated. Things had gone from a blissful beginning to shit storm of constant jealousy and arguments and, truth be told, I was looking for an easy out. I was totally in love with her but we couldn’t seem to go even one day without finding a way to make each other miserable. Sure, we’d always make up, and there is nothing like having wild, passionate make-up sex, but that thrill was wearing thin and it just wasn’t worth it to me anymore. Her little confession was just an assurance that I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was out! I did, however, have every intention of pulling every single last detail out of her before I stormed out of the room and out of this twisted, soul crushing relationship.
According to Alice it meant nothing. It was some attention thrown her way and she jumped on the opportunity (literally). The really sick part was that she did it right in front of me….the text messaging, the plotting, the lying as to why she needed to go over to Janie’s house. The sicker part was that I had no idea. The thought that she or anyone who loved me as much as she did would ever do something so deceitful and ugly had never even occurred to me, and now, it always would.
I mean I get it. The fighting had gotten out of control which in turn made me want to sleep as far on the other side of the bed as I could get. Mix that up with the jealousy that had been brewing and I could see why Alice was in such dire need of affection. The rational part of my brain understood but there was still a better part of me that wanted to get as far away from her as I possibly could. And so I got up, grabbed my things, and I left. I left her apartment, I left her and all her insecurities, I left all the arguments and the misery and, most importantly, I left behind the weight I’d been carrying on my shoulders for the last few months. I left US and I went home to my own bed where for the first time in a while, I felt peace.
I was free.
And I planned on taking full advantage of that.
-Lesbian X
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Enter the Dragon
Blog #16
Ignorance is bliss, so they say, especially when it comes to relationships. I have always been a firm believer in telling your new partner as little about your past lovers as you can possibly get away with. I realize now, that within the lesbian circle, this is extremely difficult as everyone either knows, dated, or is friends with everyone else. Alice being my first venture in to this world, I was lucky enough to have a little bit of anonymity. In our case, my past loves and lovers all happened to be male and though I thought this was slightly to my advantage, it managed to be the first driving wedge in between my new love and her sanity.
Now, we had been existing in our safe little bubble of "Lesbian" over the past month. If we left the bed at all it was to hit up places like Eleven in Weho, the popular Tuesday ladies night, or M.J.‘s in Silverlake. Even brunch was a gay event. Real Food Daily on a Sunday wasn’t just a good spot to grab some vegan pancakes, it was a who’s who of celebrity lezbos as well as a regular stop for Alice and our friends. On any given weekend you were sure to find us, along with Rona and Laurie( the badass girls from the Eagle) and newly formed couple Darcy and Cara. Glance around the room and you would probably find Guinevere Turner, Jenny Schmizu, and Saundra Bernhard all scattered about feasting on lentil walnut pate and sneering at each other from booth to booth.
This so brilliantly left little room for us to run into my old boyfriends or worse….. really good looking guys I had slept with, which I was quickly finding out to be a sore subject for my lady and sure fire way to begin a knock-down, blow-out fight!
End, honeymoon faze….Enter, the dragon!
So it was only a matter of time until we left out safe little bubble and started merging back into the real world. With Alice being insanely jealous, a run in with a male friend would usually go a little something like this:
Alice: So, who the hell was that??
Me: No one, just an old friend.
Alice: Have you sleep with that guy?
Me: Huh?? Uh…..why?
Alice: Whatya mean, "why"??? Just answer the question!!
Me: Well, uh…..yeah, I guess so but that was a really long time ago, babe.
Cue Alice flying into a fit a green rage.
Cue Me to wish I would have fucking just said “NO”
The first time it happened, I have to admit, I found it mildly amusing and sweet. In some sick, psychotic way it made me feel loved. The second time, less endearing more annoying and by the, seemingly, hundredth time, I was ready to call it quits. I mean, the reality was that I had slept with a lot of guys in this town and I was just not prepared to spend the entirety of this relationship in an argument. The fact that there were so many should have said to her that none of them really meant that much to me in the end. They were someone to spend a few fun filled nights with from time to time. But, Alice, she was my love, my everything and I had committed myself to her fully and without condition. She just couldn’t find her way into seeing it and, although I tried, I couldn’t find a way to make her.
I guess, looking back, this would be about the time she cheated on me with our friend Janie………..
-Lesbian X
Ignorance is bliss, so they say, especially when it comes to relationships. I have always been a firm believer in telling your new partner as little about your past lovers as you can possibly get away with. I realize now, that within the lesbian circle, this is extremely difficult as everyone either knows, dated, or is friends with everyone else. Alice being my first venture in to this world, I was lucky enough to have a little bit of anonymity. In our case, my past loves and lovers all happened to be male and though I thought this was slightly to my advantage, it managed to be the first driving wedge in between my new love and her sanity.
Now, we had been existing in our safe little bubble of "Lesbian" over the past month. If we left the bed at all it was to hit up places like Eleven in Weho, the popular Tuesday ladies night, or M.J.‘s in Silverlake. Even brunch was a gay event. Real Food Daily on a Sunday wasn’t just a good spot to grab some vegan pancakes, it was a who’s who of celebrity lezbos as well as a regular stop for Alice and our friends. On any given weekend you were sure to find us, along with Rona and Laurie( the badass girls from the Eagle) and newly formed couple Darcy and Cara. Glance around the room and you would probably find Guinevere Turner, Jenny Schmizu, and Saundra Bernhard all scattered about feasting on lentil walnut pate and sneering at each other from booth to booth.
This so brilliantly left little room for us to run into my old boyfriends or worse….. really good looking guys I had slept with, which I was quickly finding out to be a sore subject for my lady and sure fire way to begin a knock-down, blow-out fight!
End, honeymoon faze….Enter, the dragon!
So it was only a matter of time until we left out safe little bubble and started merging back into the real world. With Alice being insanely jealous, a run in with a male friend would usually go a little something like this:
Alice: So, who the hell was that??
Me: No one, just an old friend.
Alice: Have you sleep with that guy?
Me: Huh?? Uh…..why?
Alice: Whatya mean, "why"??? Just answer the question!!
Me: Well, uh…..yeah, I guess so but that was a really long time ago, babe.
Cue Alice flying into a fit a green rage.
Cue Me to wish I would have fucking just said “NO”
The first time it happened, I have to admit, I found it mildly amusing and sweet. In some sick, psychotic way it made me feel loved. The second time, less endearing more annoying and by the, seemingly, hundredth time, I was ready to call it quits. I mean, the reality was that I had slept with a lot of guys in this town and I was just not prepared to spend the entirety of this relationship in an argument. The fact that there were so many should have said to her that none of them really meant that much to me in the end. They were someone to spend a few fun filled nights with from time to time. But, Alice, she was my love, my everything and I had committed myself to her fully and without condition. She just couldn’t find her way into seeing it and, although I tried, I couldn’t find a way to make her.
I guess, looking back, this would be about the time she cheated on me with our friend Janie………..
-Lesbian X
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The Truth
Blog #15
Is 10am too early for a cocktail?? Cuz I could have really used one. I sat upstairs playing nervously on my computer and debating this question to myself. Mindy was usually up before me but, the bitch, (I mean my lovely and adored roommate) hadn’t come out of her room yet. The suspense was damn near killing me. I had worked up the nerve to “come out” to her this morning but I’m afraid my adrenaline surge was wearing dangerously thin. She would have to surface sooner or later. We were barbecuing this afternoon…….well, our roommate was barbequing this afternoon but we would definitely be eating it so I knew she would be wandering my way eventually. I needed to tell her before our guests arrived as Alice would be one of them.
There was nothing I could do but wait, however, the longer I sat there the less convinced I was that I would actually go through with it. Every minute that passed seemed to bring this impending doom one step closer and the ticking of the clock above my computer was starting to drive me mad. What was this, a scene out of a bad French noir film?? Who has clocks anymore, anyhow?? And what the hell was Mindy doing in there?!?
I resolved to pass the time by auditioning different scenarios as to how I would brake the news in my head. Uh, yeeeeeah……. that wasn’t helping.
Finally, she emerged!! Mindy strolled out of that black hole of a bedroom with her always cheery demeanor in tact. Usually, I would find this adorable, today, though, it was a little much. After an hour of anxiously waiting in shear and utter terror, I kinda needed her to tone it down a bit. I swear every time she enters a room I picture cartoon forest creatures with impossibly long eyelashes fluttering at her feet. She just had the fairytale combo of beauty and innocence that screamed Disney heroine. Was I about to shatter that innocence?? I wondered how Snow White, or Sleeping Beauty would have taken the news. Would Cinderella break into song about how she loved me know matter what, or throw her hand over her forehead in dramatic gesture and run far, far away? I smiled awkwardly in her direction at the thought.
As she plopped down on the couch near the office nook I had been lurking in all day, Mindy said “good morning” and struck up some idle chit chat about the day’s event. If she only knew what I was really thinking. All the while we were mindlessly discussing potato salad I was secretly plotting my segway into the big L bomb. I knew I didn’t have much time. She would probably disappear into the bathroom soon to shower etc so I needed to step up and seize the moment while I had her full, undivided attention. This was it, the big moment, now or never!! The impending doom not only came one step closer but actually began to settle into my skin. I felt like a medieval messenger sent to deliver word of a warfront coming. Was she going to welcome me with open arms or shoot me dead for delivering the bad news?
Suddenly, I became aware of another conversation happening around me. Wait….. amidst my psychotic fantasies of being hung in front of a crowd of angry peasants, I could hear someone speaking………oh no, I could hear myself speaking……to Mindy!!! Oh god, what was I saying?? Somehow my anxiety had taken full control of my brain and was talking for me. I heard the words “so I think I have a girlfriend” go flying across the room into Mindy’s ear in the type of slow motion one only hears when half conscious. Something inside myself had taken over and outed me!!!
Holy crap, I did it!! It was done! Somehow, I had managed to get the words out, although barely consciously so. A wave of sweet relief washed over me and brought me crashing back to reality. I focused my attention back to Mindy as I waited for what seemed like an eternity for her response. It was out there. Forever. I had said it out loud and now I couldn’t take it back. And I was glad it was. You know, what ever her reaction was to be, good or bad, loving or hateful, it really didn‘t matter in this moment anymore. I realized that just saying it out loud to another human being was more gratifying than her acceptance would ever be. Her opinion mattered but I didn’t need her approval anymore. Still, though, I was curious to see her reaction.
I looked at her, and in all my shock/ relief/new found self love, I began to burst out laughing. I mean, it was kind of funny. What a random thing to say to your roommate first thing in the morning.
Mindy looked back at me, stunned for a moment, and then, to my complete shock and delight, she laughed back. SHE LAUGHED!! We laughed, together, at the same time. She was so unfazed by this declaration, so cool about it, that I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. I really hadn’t given her enough credit. We were still getting to know each other so my reservations were valid, sure, but as God as my witness I would never doubt this girl again. We sat together on the couch and I began to tell her all about my little journey. Mindy took the news like a champ and in true girly style she wanted alllllllll the details. In fact, this seemed to bring us even closer together as roommates and friends.
My honesty seemed to have really paid off in the end. If nothing else, this was a major life lesson for me. From this point on I would always be confident and proud of who I am and I would always tell the truth. If for no other reason than to sit back and marvel at what doors those two simple things will open for you along the way.
-Lesbian X
Is 10am too early for a cocktail?? Cuz I could have really used one. I sat upstairs playing nervously on my computer and debating this question to myself. Mindy was usually up before me but, the bitch, (I mean my lovely and adored roommate) hadn’t come out of her room yet. The suspense was damn near killing me. I had worked up the nerve to “come out” to her this morning but I’m afraid my adrenaline surge was wearing dangerously thin. She would have to surface sooner or later. We were barbecuing this afternoon…….well, our roommate was barbequing this afternoon but we would definitely be eating it so I knew she would be wandering my way eventually. I needed to tell her before our guests arrived as Alice would be one of them.
There was nothing I could do but wait, however, the longer I sat there the less convinced I was that I would actually go through with it. Every minute that passed seemed to bring this impending doom one step closer and the ticking of the clock above my computer was starting to drive me mad. What was this, a scene out of a bad French noir film?? Who has clocks anymore, anyhow?? And what the hell was Mindy doing in there?!?
I resolved to pass the time by auditioning different scenarios as to how I would brake the news in my head. Uh, yeeeeeah……. that wasn’t helping.
Finally, she emerged!! Mindy strolled out of that black hole of a bedroom with her always cheery demeanor in tact. Usually, I would find this adorable, today, though, it was a little much. After an hour of anxiously waiting in shear and utter terror, I kinda needed her to tone it down a bit. I swear every time she enters a room I picture cartoon forest creatures with impossibly long eyelashes fluttering at her feet. She just had the fairytale combo of beauty and innocence that screamed Disney heroine. Was I about to shatter that innocence?? I wondered how Snow White, or Sleeping Beauty would have taken the news. Would Cinderella break into song about how she loved me know matter what, or throw her hand over her forehead in dramatic gesture and run far, far away? I smiled awkwardly in her direction at the thought.
As she plopped down on the couch near the office nook I had been lurking in all day, Mindy said “good morning” and struck up some idle chit chat about the day’s event. If she only knew what I was really thinking. All the while we were mindlessly discussing potato salad I was secretly plotting my segway into the big L bomb. I knew I didn’t have much time. She would probably disappear into the bathroom soon to shower etc so I needed to step up and seize the moment while I had her full, undivided attention. This was it, the big moment, now or never!! The impending doom not only came one step closer but actually began to settle into my skin. I felt like a medieval messenger sent to deliver word of a warfront coming. Was she going to welcome me with open arms or shoot me dead for delivering the bad news?
Suddenly, I became aware of another conversation happening around me. Wait….. amidst my psychotic fantasies of being hung in front of a crowd of angry peasants, I could hear someone speaking………oh no, I could hear myself speaking……to Mindy!!! Oh god, what was I saying?? Somehow my anxiety had taken full control of my brain and was talking for me. I heard the words “so I think I have a girlfriend” go flying across the room into Mindy’s ear in the type of slow motion one only hears when half conscious. Something inside myself had taken over and outed me!!!
Holy crap, I did it!! It was done! Somehow, I had managed to get the words out, although barely consciously so. A wave of sweet relief washed over me and brought me crashing back to reality. I focused my attention back to Mindy as I waited for what seemed like an eternity for her response. It was out there. Forever. I had said it out loud and now I couldn’t take it back. And I was glad it was. You know, what ever her reaction was to be, good or bad, loving or hateful, it really didn‘t matter in this moment anymore. I realized that just saying it out loud to another human being was more gratifying than her acceptance would ever be. Her opinion mattered but I didn’t need her approval anymore. Still, though, I was curious to see her reaction.
I looked at her, and in all my shock/ relief/new found self love, I began to burst out laughing. I mean, it was kind of funny. What a random thing to say to your roommate first thing in the morning.
Mindy looked back at me, stunned for a moment, and then, to my complete shock and delight, she laughed back. SHE LAUGHED!! We laughed, together, at the same time. She was so unfazed by this declaration, so cool about it, that I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. I really hadn’t given her enough credit. We were still getting to know each other so my reservations were valid, sure, but as God as my witness I would never doubt this girl again. We sat together on the couch and I began to tell her all about my little journey. Mindy took the news like a champ and in true girly style she wanted alllllllll the details. In fact, this seemed to bring us even closer together as roommates and friends.
My honesty seemed to have really paid off in the end. If nothing else, this was a major life lesson for me. From this point on I would always be confident and proud of who I am and I would always tell the truth. If for no other reason than to sit back and marvel at what doors those two simple things will open for you along the way.
-Lesbian X
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)