The Shane Factor

Blog # 3

Well my very first lesbian experience had happened and, although, in my mind it would change me forever, somehow, it seemed unreal.... like a distant memory or a wild dream that occurred after too much sugar before bed time. I wasn’t sure what it meant or even if it was OK. Was I gay? Was I about to leave everything I knew about love, sex and relationships behind to embark on an entirely new world or was this a one time thing, a sexual experiment that most young single women of my generation had already tangoed with? In fact, I may have been the last person I knew to cross over to the other side, even if just for kicks. All I knew was that there was some part of me that was entirely captivated by the experience and was secretly wishing to take another shot at it.

The concern I had, although now seems completely ridiculous, was “what would other people say”? What would my best friend say? Would she be all for the idea and be my sidekick in all lesbian endeavors, or would she be repulsed and horrified by my recent conquest. It mattered!! It did. I wish I could say that I was so confident in my self that I threw caution to the wind regardless of other’s opinions on the matter, but in this instance, on this topic, I was a total pussy. When the opportunity with Daisy presented itself for a second time I panicked and completely whimped out. One time sex with a girl was one thing. It was me being wild and free. It was me being a sexual badass who would casually mention to friends over brunch, “oh yeah! I slept with a girl once. No biggie. You know me, am crazy and unpredictable and you never know what I’ll do next”. It was my way of sticking my middle finger up at the moral majority and telling the world “hey, I’m cool, I’m totally worldly and awesome. In fact I banged a girl once, just to see what it was like“. But in reality, that night haunted me. It did change me. I now saw women in a completely different light. Every semi pretty/cool girl to come my way was a possible next girl I was going to sleep with. Even if they didn’t know it yet.

I had tasted the other side and man it tasted sweet yet I couldn’t think past that internal present desire. All I could do was keep it to myself until I figured out if a) it was ok, and b) what place it was going to take in my life.

And, sadly, this went on for some time. I had, oh so unsmoothly, declined on Dasiy’s next proposal out of shear and total cowardliness and, most definitely, to the eventual decline in our friendship. But although I had passed up her second advance, I was secretly on the lookout for the next belle de jour.

It was easy and harmless while living only inside of my private thoughts but what it would mutate into after actually acting on these inclinations was another beast all unto itself.

It was a blind dive into dark and unknown waters, and it took me almost another year to take that leap. I was waiting for something to tip the scales, waiting for something; a sign, a feeling, a moment that would awaken in me an absolute recognition that I was, in fact, gay.

Well, this moment came to me one unexpected night, one unassuming evening when I moved into a new apartment. And what happened next is a little something I like to refer to as “The Shane Factor”.

-Lesbian X