Blog #19
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four. Hiding from Alice all night had taken it’s toll and I was looking for a bit of relief at the bottom of a shot glass. Miraculously, I seemed to find exactly what I was looking for. All the anxiety and guilt I felt washed clean away and, just like magic, I was back in the game ready to take on this place. I had no idea what Alice was up to downstairs and now I didn’t care.
Riding that wave of intoxication, Katie and I headed to the dance floor, which, I must add, was not only a good space to bust a move but, simultaneously, provided me with safe cover. DJ Saratonin was spinning all my favorite guilty pleasure dance beats and, in a much needed release, we danced our drunken, gay asses off. Finally, I was having a good time. Finally, I got to experience the thrill that this new freedom provided me. Finally, no Alice, no drama, just me and my friend dancing our cares away.
As I looked around the room to take inventory of any possible prospects, I noticed someone staring at me from a far. I focused in to see who it was but I didn’t recognize her. Hmm……a lesbian I didn’t know yet?? Definite Plus! I couldn’t tell though, was this girl checking me out?? Was I getting cruised?? God, I hoped so. I smiled in her general direction on the slim chance that I was, nothing to obvious, just a friendly grin to move things along and that seemed to be about all she needed. Before I could even tell if she was cute or ask Katie for a second opinion, this girl was heading right towards me!!
“Would you like to dance”, she asked
With my tequila eyes I gave this chick the once over. My inspection was half-assed. I was mid-euphoric status and my elation had taken precedent over any silly little details. Hot or not, neither here nor there as far as I was concerned. The high I was riding left absolutely no room for any negative forms of thought. Everything sounded like a good idea, and consequently, at this point, so did anyone.
Would I?? Yes please!
I looked over both my shoulders to see if the coast was clear. Alice was nowhere in sight, thank god. I was not in the mood for a scene right now and this was just the kind of thing that would set her off.
All systems a-go, she grabbed my hand and led me to the middle of the dance floor. “Just perfect” I thought, the chances of Alice finding me this deep in the crowd are slim to none!
As we pushed our way through the girls to the first piece of empty space we could find, a sort of realization came over me. This was the first girl to touch me since Alice came along. I mean we were only holding hands, sure, but this was the first time some other girl besides her had me in their grips with the intention of something sexual. I decided to roll with it, after all, that was why I had come wasn’t it? That was the whole reason I had been hiding out from Alice all night…..the freedom to do exactly this. It was a notion I decided to store in the back of my mind with the rest of my neurosis. Right now I was going to dance with this girl, whoever she was.
I have to say, she really knew how to move. I usually ride solo on the dance floor but something about the rhythm of our bodies were tune. I mean, we were in perfect sync!! We got closer and closer and in almost no time at all, and without even knowing her name, she was all over me. Truth be told, at the moment, I couldn’t have been more pleased about that. I was feeling good, I was feeling free, I was feeling like I could stay in this moment forever.
Alice, on the other hand, was going to let it go on for exactly two more seconds. Before I knew it, I spotted my Ex storming across the dance floor like a wild animal charging towards it’s next victim. It was dark but, even so, I could still spot the intensity and ferocity in her piercing eyes.
“Oh shit” is all I managed to get out before she reached us. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be afraid for our lives. We were just dancing for god’s sake, albeit, practically on top of each other, but I was single, damnit!! Not only was she not my girlfriend anymore but she had cheated on me, admittedly! You'd think that would entitle me to a little dance here and there but, clearly, in Alice’s mind, it most certainly did not.
She pushed her way in between us and stuck her hand out to my dance partner as she introduced herself.
“Hi, I’m Alice, who the hell are you??”
I didn’t even give the girl a chance to respond. Alice may have pushed her way in between us but what she had really just done was push me straight into this girl’s arms. If I was feeling hesitant before, if the nostalgia of all that we had shared was sitting in the back of my mind waiting to pop up and stop me from taking things any further, it was now officially gone. My rage at her audacity had now completely taken over. In protest to her sheer lack of respect for my personal space, I let myself be inconsiderate of her feelings for once and left her heart-broken on the dance floor. As my new date and I walked away, I turned and looked back to see Alice standing alone. Abandoned and defeated. And at that moment, I didn’t care.
-Lesbian X
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
It's Complicated
Blog #18
“It’s Complicated“. Not only is it a relationship status option on everyone’s favorite social network, Facebook, but, more importantly, it’s a common state of being in the lesbian world. A break up is never really an official parting of ways. There is “the break moment” followed, almost religiously, by a lingering period of 6-8 weeks. It is, in this period, a time of trying to move on mixed with, equal parts, clinging desperately to the memory of whatever happiness you once shared with your newly departed. It is a time of shear and utter confusion, as, in one sense, you enjoy all the pleasures of new found freedom but on the other hand are existing in a tortuous state of mourning love lost. This is the limbo I found myself drowning in after the break up with Alice. The sense of relief I felt was in constant conflict with the intense bond we had formed, although, until our separation, I was unaware of how truly powerful it was.
Alice was no help on this matter. Yes, she had cheated, but I think it was more like a child acting out for attention than it was her wanting to be with someone else. She made it very clear in the following days that she was in no way prepared to lose me and the degree of her pursuit to win me back was even stronger than her original courtship. The never-ending phone calls, the incessant text messaging, even showing up drunk outside my house and demanding to be let in, had all become part of her daily routine. She just wasn’t ready to call it quits and her certainty that it was not over had me thinking that maybe I had made a terrible mistake.
Tempting as it might be, though, I wasn’t willing to give in yet. There was a huge part of my mind set that wanted to enjoy being single, especially at this early stage in my coming out. There was not a night that I had been out with Alex that my eyes didn’t do a bit of innocent wandering and I felt like I needed to explore those possibilities. Maybe things would eventually work out with her but, until then, I was going to live my new found single life to the fullest whether Alice liked it or not
Or at least I thought I would…..
My first attempt did not go as smoothly as I had originally seen it in my mind.
In the reality that Alice and I shared a mutual friendship with most of the girls we knew, we seemed to ALWAYS end up at the same place. Night after night the excitement of new found adventures and relationships to come was immediately shattered by the sight (and following evil glare) of my ex-girlfriend who would be watching me like a hawk, ready to swoop in and attack anyone standing in her way of getting back together with me.
There was to be no talking to anyone remotely attractive without her instant appearance at my side. In fact, there would be no talking to anyone, period, without her interruption.
So on my first night out, as I walked into the Tuesday night party at club Eleven, my sense of wonderment was sent spinning into an early grave of defeat at the sight of Alice standing by the bar.
I spotted our friends gathered on the outside patio and joined them half-heartedly .I knew Alice would be on her way back over to them soon but they were my friends too damnit!! In the mix of these girls was Darcy. She had started dating Cara about the same time that Alice and I got together and, like us, the relationship was newly dissolved. Unlike Alice, however, Darcy, who was still madly in love with Cara, would, instead of cock-blocking, be so utterly disturbed by the sight of her Ex, that she would spend the next 20 minutes in the bathroom puking her guts out.
As I looked over my shoulder to see if Alice was still at the bar, I got a glimpse of Darcy’s face. The look of shear horror on it told me Cara must be in da house and, like clockwork, the poor girl burst into tears while making a mad dash to the bathroom. As I was about to follow behind her in support I noticed Alice take wind and take my place as the “hair-holder”. I took the opportunity to get the hell out of dodge and head up to the dance floor upstairs. I had been inside the building exactly 5 minutes and already all hell had broke loose. WTF??
Katie, a good friend of mine was hanging near the D.J. booth so I ran over immediately to take refuge. In the realization of how ridiculous the situation had become (Darcy vomiting, Me hiding) I began to doubt whether I would ever have a real shot at any normalcy ever again.
I came to have a good time in the new-found freedom of singlehood and here I was a virtual prisoner of Alice’s temporary insanity. As I looked around the room in disappointment for all that I would most likely be missing out on I had one clear, concise, re-occurring thought that rang over and over again like a Buddhist mantra in my head…..
“Dear Lord, just let my ex-girlfriend stay on the bottom floor tonight"!!!
-Lesbian X
“It’s Complicated“. Not only is it a relationship status option on everyone’s favorite social network, Facebook, but, more importantly, it’s a common state of being in the lesbian world. A break up is never really an official parting of ways. There is “the break moment” followed, almost religiously, by a lingering period of 6-8 weeks. It is, in this period, a time of trying to move on mixed with, equal parts, clinging desperately to the memory of whatever happiness you once shared with your newly departed. It is a time of shear and utter confusion, as, in one sense, you enjoy all the pleasures of new found freedom but on the other hand are existing in a tortuous state of mourning love lost. This is the limbo I found myself drowning in after the break up with Alice. The sense of relief I felt was in constant conflict with the intense bond we had formed, although, until our separation, I was unaware of how truly powerful it was.
Alice was no help on this matter. Yes, she had cheated, but I think it was more like a child acting out for attention than it was her wanting to be with someone else. She made it very clear in the following days that she was in no way prepared to lose me and the degree of her pursuit to win me back was even stronger than her original courtship. The never-ending phone calls, the incessant text messaging, even showing up drunk outside my house and demanding to be let in, had all become part of her daily routine. She just wasn’t ready to call it quits and her certainty that it was not over had me thinking that maybe I had made a terrible mistake.
Tempting as it might be, though, I wasn’t willing to give in yet. There was a huge part of my mind set that wanted to enjoy being single, especially at this early stage in my coming out. There was not a night that I had been out with Alex that my eyes didn’t do a bit of innocent wandering and I felt like I needed to explore those possibilities. Maybe things would eventually work out with her but, until then, I was going to live my new found single life to the fullest whether Alice liked it or not
Or at least I thought I would…..
My first attempt did not go as smoothly as I had originally seen it in my mind.
In the reality that Alice and I shared a mutual friendship with most of the girls we knew, we seemed to ALWAYS end up at the same place. Night after night the excitement of new found adventures and relationships to come was immediately shattered by the sight (and following evil glare) of my ex-girlfriend who would be watching me like a hawk, ready to swoop in and attack anyone standing in her way of getting back together with me.
There was to be no talking to anyone remotely attractive without her instant appearance at my side. In fact, there would be no talking to anyone, period, without her interruption.
So on my first night out, as I walked into the Tuesday night party at club Eleven, my sense of wonderment was sent spinning into an early grave of defeat at the sight of Alice standing by the bar.
I spotted our friends gathered on the outside patio and joined them half-heartedly .I knew Alice would be on her way back over to them soon but they were my friends too damnit!! In the mix of these girls was Darcy. She had started dating Cara about the same time that Alice and I got together and, like us, the relationship was newly dissolved. Unlike Alice, however, Darcy, who was still madly in love with Cara, would, instead of cock-blocking, be so utterly disturbed by the sight of her Ex, that she would spend the next 20 minutes in the bathroom puking her guts out.
As I looked over my shoulder to see if Alice was still at the bar, I got a glimpse of Darcy’s face. The look of shear horror on it told me Cara must be in da house and, like clockwork, the poor girl burst into tears while making a mad dash to the bathroom. As I was about to follow behind her in support I noticed Alice take wind and take my place as the “hair-holder”. I took the opportunity to get the hell out of dodge and head up to the dance floor upstairs. I had been inside the building exactly 5 minutes and already all hell had broke loose. WTF??
Katie, a good friend of mine was hanging near the D.J. booth so I ran over immediately to take refuge. In the realization of how ridiculous the situation had become (Darcy vomiting, Me hiding) I began to doubt whether I would ever have a real shot at any normalcy ever again.
I came to have a good time in the new-found freedom of singlehood and here I was a virtual prisoner of Alice’s temporary insanity. As I looked around the room in disappointment for all that I would most likely be missing out on I had one clear, concise, re-occurring thought that rang over and over again like a Buddhist mantra in my head…..
“Dear Lord, just let my ex-girlfriend stay on the bottom floor tonight"!!!
-Lesbian X
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Pretty and Willing
Blog #17
Janie. She was pretty…….and that’s about it. Looking back, I have tried to pinpoint what about her was so amazing, so intoxicating that Alice would betray my trust just to spend a night or two with. Looking back, I can honestly say that there isn’t anything particularly special about her. Mostly, she was just willing I guess.
Now, I say this not out of bitterness or vengeance. I say this, only, because it is the truth. Out of everyone we knew, she was the least interesting, most dull and, to be honest, was the type of person you forgot was even in the room. But, like I said, she was pretty and willing.
The worst part was that her girlfriend, Denise, was not only one of the best people I had ever met, but she was madly in love with Janie and was going to be destroyed when she found out, although, I wasn’t going to be the one to tell her.
I only knew by accident. In one of Alice’s temper tantrums she blurted it out, in what I can only imagine, as a last attempt to get one more jab in at me before I left her.
We had been laying in bed one night arguing over God knows what and I had finally had enough. I told her I needed a break from her, and that it might turn into an actual break up if things didn’t change. She rolled over and looked at me straight in the eye and said, “Well, just so you know, I slept with someone else”. Just like that, so matter of factly. As if that were going to change my mind in her favor. As if the jealousy I felt over her indiscretion would make me realize that that I couldn’t stand for her to be with anyone else send me running back into her arms…… or, like I said, maybe it was just a last attempt to get one more jab in before I left.
The funny thing was that, at this point, I didn’t even care that she’d cheated. Things had gone from a blissful beginning to shit storm of constant jealousy and arguments and, truth be told, I was looking for an easy out. I was totally in love with her but we couldn’t seem to go even one day without finding a way to make each other miserable. Sure, we’d always make up, and there is nothing like having wild, passionate make-up sex, but that thrill was wearing thin and it just wasn’t worth it to me anymore. Her little confession was just an assurance that I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was out! I did, however, have every intention of pulling every single last detail out of her before I stormed out of the room and out of this twisted, soul crushing relationship.
According to Alice it meant nothing. It was some attention thrown her way and she jumped on the opportunity (literally). The really sick part was that she did it right in front of me….the text messaging, the plotting, the lying as to why she needed to go over to Janie’s house. The sicker part was that I had no idea. The thought that she or anyone who loved me as much as she did would ever do something so deceitful and ugly had never even occurred to me, and now, it always would.
I mean I get it. The fighting had gotten out of control which in turn made me want to sleep as far on the other side of the bed as I could get. Mix that up with the jealousy that had been brewing and I could see why Alice was in such dire need of affection. The rational part of my brain understood but there was still a better part of me that wanted to get as far away from her as I possibly could. And so I got up, grabbed my things, and I left. I left her apartment, I left her and all her insecurities, I left all the arguments and the misery and, most importantly, I left behind the weight I’d been carrying on my shoulders for the last few months. I left US and I went home to my own bed where for the first time in a while, I felt peace.
I was free.
And I planned on taking full advantage of that.
-Lesbian X
Janie. She was pretty…….and that’s about it. Looking back, I have tried to pinpoint what about her was so amazing, so intoxicating that Alice would betray my trust just to spend a night or two with. Looking back, I can honestly say that there isn’t anything particularly special about her. Mostly, she was just willing I guess.
Now, I say this not out of bitterness or vengeance. I say this, only, because it is the truth. Out of everyone we knew, she was the least interesting, most dull and, to be honest, was the type of person you forgot was even in the room. But, like I said, she was pretty and willing.
The worst part was that her girlfriend, Denise, was not only one of the best people I had ever met, but she was madly in love with Janie and was going to be destroyed when she found out, although, I wasn’t going to be the one to tell her.
I only knew by accident. In one of Alice’s temper tantrums she blurted it out, in what I can only imagine, as a last attempt to get one more jab in at me before I left her.
We had been laying in bed one night arguing over God knows what and I had finally had enough. I told her I needed a break from her, and that it might turn into an actual break up if things didn’t change. She rolled over and looked at me straight in the eye and said, “Well, just so you know, I slept with someone else”. Just like that, so matter of factly. As if that were going to change my mind in her favor. As if the jealousy I felt over her indiscretion would make me realize that that I couldn’t stand for her to be with anyone else send me running back into her arms…… or, like I said, maybe it was just a last attempt to get one more jab in before I left.
The funny thing was that, at this point, I didn’t even care that she’d cheated. Things had gone from a blissful beginning to shit storm of constant jealousy and arguments and, truth be told, I was looking for an easy out. I was totally in love with her but we couldn’t seem to go even one day without finding a way to make each other miserable. Sure, we’d always make up, and there is nothing like having wild, passionate make-up sex, but that thrill was wearing thin and it just wasn’t worth it to me anymore. Her little confession was just an assurance that I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was out! I did, however, have every intention of pulling every single last detail out of her before I stormed out of the room and out of this twisted, soul crushing relationship.
According to Alice it meant nothing. It was some attention thrown her way and she jumped on the opportunity (literally). The really sick part was that she did it right in front of me….the text messaging, the plotting, the lying as to why she needed to go over to Janie’s house. The sicker part was that I had no idea. The thought that she or anyone who loved me as much as she did would ever do something so deceitful and ugly had never even occurred to me, and now, it always would.
I mean I get it. The fighting had gotten out of control which in turn made me want to sleep as far on the other side of the bed as I could get. Mix that up with the jealousy that had been brewing and I could see why Alice was in such dire need of affection. The rational part of my brain understood but there was still a better part of me that wanted to get as far away from her as I possibly could. And so I got up, grabbed my things, and I left. I left her apartment, I left her and all her insecurities, I left all the arguments and the misery and, most importantly, I left behind the weight I’d been carrying on my shoulders for the last few months. I left US and I went home to my own bed where for the first time in a while, I felt peace.
I was free.
And I planned on taking full advantage of that.
-Lesbian X
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Enter the Dragon
Blog #16
Ignorance is bliss, so they say, especially when it comes to relationships. I have always been a firm believer in telling your new partner as little about your past lovers as you can possibly get away with. I realize now, that within the lesbian circle, this is extremely difficult as everyone either knows, dated, or is friends with everyone else. Alice being my first venture in to this world, I was lucky enough to have a little bit of anonymity. In our case, my past loves and lovers all happened to be male and though I thought this was slightly to my advantage, it managed to be the first driving wedge in between my new love and her sanity.
Now, we had been existing in our safe little bubble of "Lesbian" over the past month. If we left the bed at all it was to hit up places like Eleven in Weho, the popular Tuesday ladies night, or M.J.‘s in Silverlake. Even brunch was a gay event. Real Food Daily on a Sunday wasn’t just a good spot to grab some vegan pancakes, it was a who’s who of celebrity lezbos as well as a regular stop for Alice and our friends. On any given weekend you were sure to find us, along with Rona and Laurie( the badass girls from the Eagle) and newly formed couple Darcy and Cara. Glance around the room and you would probably find Guinevere Turner, Jenny Schmizu, and Saundra Bernhard all scattered about feasting on lentil walnut pate and sneering at each other from booth to booth.
This so brilliantly left little room for us to run into my old boyfriends or worse….. really good looking guys I had slept with, which I was quickly finding out to be a sore subject for my lady and sure fire way to begin a knock-down, blow-out fight!
End, honeymoon faze….Enter, the dragon!
So it was only a matter of time until we left out safe little bubble and started merging back into the real world. With Alice being insanely jealous, a run in with a male friend would usually go a little something like this:
Alice: So, who the hell was that??
Me: No one, just an old friend.
Alice: Have you sleep with that guy?
Me: Huh?? Uh…..why?
Alice: Whatya mean, "why"??? Just answer the question!!
Me: Well, uh…..yeah, I guess so but that was a really long time ago, babe.
Cue Alice flying into a fit a green rage.
Cue Me to wish I would have fucking just said “NO”
The first time it happened, I have to admit, I found it mildly amusing and sweet. In some sick, psychotic way it made me feel loved. The second time, less endearing more annoying and by the, seemingly, hundredth time, I was ready to call it quits. I mean, the reality was that I had slept with a lot of guys in this town and I was just not prepared to spend the entirety of this relationship in an argument. The fact that there were so many should have said to her that none of them really meant that much to me in the end. They were someone to spend a few fun filled nights with from time to time. But, Alice, she was my love, my everything and I had committed myself to her fully and without condition. She just couldn’t find her way into seeing it and, although I tried, I couldn’t find a way to make her.
I guess, looking back, this would be about the time she cheated on me with our friend Janie………..
-Lesbian X
Ignorance is bliss, so they say, especially when it comes to relationships. I have always been a firm believer in telling your new partner as little about your past lovers as you can possibly get away with. I realize now, that within the lesbian circle, this is extremely difficult as everyone either knows, dated, or is friends with everyone else. Alice being my first venture in to this world, I was lucky enough to have a little bit of anonymity. In our case, my past loves and lovers all happened to be male and though I thought this was slightly to my advantage, it managed to be the first driving wedge in between my new love and her sanity.
Now, we had been existing in our safe little bubble of "Lesbian" over the past month. If we left the bed at all it was to hit up places like Eleven in Weho, the popular Tuesday ladies night, or M.J.‘s in Silverlake. Even brunch was a gay event. Real Food Daily on a Sunday wasn’t just a good spot to grab some vegan pancakes, it was a who’s who of celebrity lezbos as well as a regular stop for Alice and our friends. On any given weekend you were sure to find us, along with Rona and Laurie( the badass girls from the Eagle) and newly formed couple Darcy and Cara. Glance around the room and you would probably find Guinevere Turner, Jenny Schmizu, and Saundra Bernhard all scattered about feasting on lentil walnut pate and sneering at each other from booth to booth.
This so brilliantly left little room for us to run into my old boyfriends or worse….. really good looking guys I had slept with, which I was quickly finding out to be a sore subject for my lady and sure fire way to begin a knock-down, blow-out fight!
End, honeymoon faze….Enter, the dragon!
So it was only a matter of time until we left out safe little bubble and started merging back into the real world. With Alice being insanely jealous, a run in with a male friend would usually go a little something like this:
Alice: So, who the hell was that??
Me: No one, just an old friend.
Alice: Have you sleep with that guy?
Me: Huh?? Uh…..why?
Alice: Whatya mean, "why"??? Just answer the question!!
Me: Well, uh…..yeah, I guess so but that was a really long time ago, babe.
Cue Alice flying into a fit a green rage.
Cue Me to wish I would have fucking just said “NO”
The first time it happened, I have to admit, I found it mildly amusing and sweet. In some sick, psychotic way it made me feel loved. The second time, less endearing more annoying and by the, seemingly, hundredth time, I was ready to call it quits. I mean, the reality was that I had slept with a lot of guys in this town and I was just not prepared to spend the entirety of this relationship in an argument. The fact that there were so many should have said to her that none of them really meant that much to me in the end. They were someone to spend a few fun filled nights with from time to time. But, Alice, she was my love, my everything and I had committed myself to her fully and without condition. She just couldn’t find her way into seeing it and, although I tried, I couldn’t find a way to make her.
I guess, looking back, this would be about the time she cheated on me with our friend Janie………..
-Lesbian X
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The Truth
Blog #15
Is 10am too early for a cocktail?? Cuz I could have really used one. I sat upstairs playing nervously on my computer and debating this question to myself. Mindy was usually up before me but, the bitch, (I mean my lovely and adored roommate) hadn’t come out of her room yet. The suspense was damn near killing me. I had worked up the nerve to “come out” to her this morning but I’m afraid my adrenaline surge was wearing dangerously thin. She would have to surface sooner or later. We were barbecuing this afternoon…….well, our roommate was barbequing this afternoon but we would definitely be eating it so I knew she would be wandering my way eventually. I needed to tell her before our guests arrived as Alice would be one of them.
There was nothing I could do but wait, however, the longer I sat there the less convinced I was that I would actually go through with it. Every minute that passed seemed to bring this impending doom one step closer and the ticking of the clock above my computer was starting to drive me mad. What was this, a scene out of a bad French noir film?? Who has clocks anymore, anyhow?? And what the hell was Mindy doing in there?!?
I resolved to pass the time by auditioning different scenarios as to how I would brake the news in my head. Uh, yeeeeeah……. that wasn’t helping.
Finally, she emerged!! Mindy strolled out of that black hole of a bedroom with her always cheery demeanor in tact. Usually, I would find this adorable, today, though, it was a little much. After an hour of anxiously waiting in shear and utter terror, I kinda needed her to tone it down a bit. I swear every time she enters a room I picture cartoon forest creatures with impossibly long eyelashes fluttering at her feet. She just had the fairytale combo of beauty and innocence that screamed Disney heroine. Was I about to shatter that innocence?? I wondered how Snow White, or Sleeping Beauty would have taken the news. Would Cinderella break into song about how she loved me know matter what, or throw her hand over her forehead in dramatic gesture and run far, far away? I smiled awkwardly in her direction at the thought.
As she plopped down on the couch near the office nook I had been lurking in all day, Mindy said “good morning” and struck up some idle chit chat about the day’s event. If she only knew what I was really thinking. All the while we were mindlessly discussing potato salad I was secretly plotting my segway into the big L bomb. I knew I didn’t have much time. She would probably disappear into the bathroom soon to shower etc so I needed to step up and seize the moment while I had her full, undivided attention. This was it, the big moment, now or never!! The impending doom not only came one step closer but actually began to settle into my skin. I felt like a medieval messenger sent to deliver word of a warfront coming. Was she going to welcome me with open arms or shoot me dead for delivering the bad news?
Suddenly, I became aware of another conversation happening around me. Wait….. amidst my psychotic fantasies of being hung in front of a crowd of angry peasants, I could hear someone speaking………oh no, I could hear myself speaking……to Mindy!!! Oh god, what was I saying?? Somehow my anxiety had taken full control of my brain and was talking for me. I heard the words “so I think I have a girlfriend” go flying across the room into Mindy’s ear in the type of slow motion one only hears when half conscious. Something inside myself had taken over and outed me!!!
Holy crap, I did it!! It was done! Somehow, I had managed to get the words out, although barely consciously so. A wave of sweet relief washed over me and brought me crashing back to reality. I focused my attention back to Mindy as I waited for what seemed like an eternity for her response. It was out there. Forever. I had said it out loud and now I couldn’t take it back. And I was glad it was. You know, what ever her reaction was to be, good or bad, loving or hateful, it really didn‘t matter in this moment anymore. I realized that just saying it out loud to another human being was more gratifying than her acceptance would ever be. Her opinion mattered but I didn’t need her approval anymore. Still, though, I was curious to see her reaction.
I looked at her, and in all my shock/ relief/new found self love, I began to burst out laughing. I mean, it was kind of funny. What a random thing to say to your roommate first thing in the morning.
Mindy looked back at me, stunned for a moment, and then, to my complete shock and delight, she laughed back. SHE LAUGHED!! We laughed, together, at the same time. She was so unfazed by this declaration, so cool about it, that I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. I really hadn’t given her enough credit. We were still getting to know each other so my reservations were valid, sure, but as God as my witness I would never doubt this girl again. We sat together on the couch and I began to tell her all about my little journey. Mindy took the news like a champ and in true girly style she wanted alllllllll the details. In fact, this seemed to bring us even closer together as roommates and friends.
My honesty seemed to have really paid off in the end. If nothing else, this was a major life lesson for me. From this point on I would always be confident and proud of who I am and I would always tell the truth. If for no other reason than to sit back and marvel at what doors those two simple things will open for you along the way.
-Lesbian X
Is 10am too early for a cocktail?? Cuz I could have really used one. I sat upstairs playing nervously on my computer and debating this question to myself. Mindy was usually up before me but, the bitch, (I mean my lovely and adored roommate) hadn’t come out of her room yet. The suspense was damn near killing me. I had worked up the nerve to “come out” to her this morning but I’m afraid my adrenaline surge was wearing dangerously thin. She would have to surface sooner or later. We were barbecuing this afternoon…….well, our roommate was barbequing this afternoon but we would definitely be eating it so I knew she would be wandering my way eventually. I needed to tell her before our guests arrived as Alice would be one of them.
There was nothing I could do but wait, however, the longer I sat there the less convinced I was that I would actually go through with it. Every minute that passed seemed to bring this impending doom one step closer and the ticking of the clock above my computer was starting to drive me mad. What was this, a scene out of a bad French noir film?? Who has clocks anymore, anyhow?? And what the hell was Mindy doing in there?!?
I resolved to pass the time by auditioning different scenarios as to how I would brake the news in my head. Uh, yeeeeeah……. that wasn’t helping.
Finally, she emerged!! Mindy strolled out of that black hole of a bedroom with her always cheery demeanor in tact. Usually, I would find this adorable, today, though, it was a little much. After an hour of anxiously waiting in shear and utter terror, I kinda needed her to tone it down a bit. I swear every time she enters a room I picture cartoon forest creatures with impossibly long eyelashes fluttering at her feet. She just had the fairytale combo of beauty and innocence that screamed Disney heroine. Was I about to shatter that innocence?? I wondered how Snow White, or Sleeping Beauty would have taken the news. Would Cinderella break into song about how she loved me know matter what, or throw her hand over her forehead in dramatic gesture and run far, far away? I smiled awkwardly in her direction at the thought.
As she plopped down on the couch near the office nook I had been lurking in all day, Mindy said “good morning” and struck up some idle chit chat about the day’s event. If she only knew what I was really thinking. All the while we were mindlessly discussing potato salad I was secretly plotting my segway into the big L bomb. I knew I didn’t have much time. She would probably disappear into the bathroom soon to shower etc so I needed to step up and seize the moment while I had her full, undivided attention. This was it, the big moment, now or never!! The impending doom not only came one step closer but actually began to settle into my skin. I felt like a medieval messenger sent to deliver word of a warfront coming. Was she going to welcome me with open arms or shoot me dead for delivering the bad news?
Suddenly, I became aware of another conversation happening around me. Wait….. amidst my psychotic fantasies of being hung in front of a crowd of angry peasants, I could hear someone speaking………oh no, I could hear myself speaking……to Mindy!!! Oh god, what was I saying?? Somehow my anxiety had taken full control of my brain and was talking for me. I heard the words “so I think I have a girlfriend” go flying across the room into Mindy’s ear in the type of slow motion one only hears when half conscious. Something inside myself had taken over and outed me!!!
Holy crap, I did it!! It was done! Somehow, I had managed to get the words out, although barely consciously so. A wave of sweet relief washed over me and brought me crashing back to reality. I focused my attention back to Mindy as I waited for what seemed like an eternity for her response. It was out there. Forever. I had said it out loud and now I couldn’t take it back. And I was glad it was. You know, what ever her reaction was to be, good or bad, loving or hateful, it really didn‘t matter in this moment anymore. I realized that just saying it out loud to another human being was more gratifying than her acceptance would ever be. Her opinion mattered but I didn’t need her approval anymore. Still, though, I was curious to see her reaction.
I looked at her, and in all my shock/ relief/new found self love, I began to burst out laughing. I mean, it was kind of funny. What a random thing to say to your roommate first thing in the morning.
Mindy looked back at me, stunned for a moment, and then, to my complete shock and delight, she laughed back. SHE LAUGHED!! We laughed, together, at the same time. She was so unfazed by this declaration, so cool about it, that I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. I really hadn’t given her enough credit. We were still getting to know each other so my reservations were valid, sure, but as God as my witness I would never doubt this girl again. We sat together on the couch and I began to tell her all about my little journey. Mindy took the news like a champ and in true girly style she wanted alllllllll the details. In fact, this seemed to bring us even closer together as roommates and friends.
My honesty seemed to have really paid off in the end. If nothing else, this was a major life lesson for me. From this point on I would always be confident and proud of who I am and I would always tell the truth. If for no other reason than to sit back and marvel at what doors those two simple things will open for you along the way.
-Lesbian X
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Out
Blog #14
Two weeks had passed since Alice and I had been dating but it felt more like two years. In that small amount of time we had formed, what seemed to be, an unbreakable bond and became virtually inseparable. We were an instant union, an unstoppable team that had burst into existance over night, ready to take on the world. I felt powerful, I felt at one with the Universe, I felt loved.
But who was this girl really?? Not in all my years of dating men had I experienced anything quite like what was happening between us. A couple weeks ago she was a stranger. She was a signal in my inbox that I had received a new message and nothing more. Now she was a part of me, a part of my thoughts, my day, my heart and I barely even knew her. The shear magnitude of the connection we had made in those two weeks made me wonder…..could this girl be my soul mate?? Was this intense bond the result of finally finding The One or was this simply how it felt to be in love with a woman? Would I feel this way about every girl I dated from here on out? I didn’t know the answer. All I knew was that I liked it.
This romance had happened fast, so fast that when I finally came up for air, I realized that I hadn’t even had time to mention it to anyone yet. That is until my best friend, Sammy, came to town. The best friend that I had been terrified to mention my impromptu night with Daisy to but also the best friend that loved me unconditionally and who would understand completely. I been afraid to talk to her about it then, but in the grand scheme of things, there wasn’t as much to tell. In this case, however, Alice had become such a huge part of my world, I could not, and WOULD not keep her hidden away like my dirty little secret. It was time to be brave, and honest, and quite frankly, I was dying to share this with someone. I was going to have to tell her……Buuuut I thought maybe I would practice on my Roommate, Mindy, first, before Sammy flew in. I needed a dress rehearsal with a live audience before I brought this show to the big stage.
Now Mindy, I should tell you, had, also in a very short time, become not just a roommate, but a good friend. I had liked her immediately from the moment I moved in and, although she was incredibly sweet, she was a little more conservative than I was. This left me questioning two things; how she felt about the gay community in general, and more importantly, was she going to flip the f*ck out when I told that I had just hopped on the lesbo train. It was odd, I mean, officially, this would be me coming out for the very first time, however, it would be me coming out for the very first time in the lamest way possible. What would I say?? “Um, hey there Mindy, just wanted to let you know, I may or may not, because it’s hard to know for sure but most likely it seems that I am kinda gay now. Or at the very least, I have been banging this chick for the last 2 weeks”.
The truth was, I didn’t really know either way but I had to tell her something. I needed the freedom to either spend the night at Alice’s or have her over without having to lie about it. Mindy was my friend, someone I shared my home with and I wanted her support. I knew the only thing holding me back was fear. I was worried that she might not be excepting of Alice, or me for that matter and the thought of her disapproval was weighing on me.
I decided to sleep on it for a night, in my own bed, alone, without any distractions. It would be the first night I spent away from Alice and the perfect time to collect my thoughts.
As I woke, the morning’s clarity washed over me and I was suddenly able to see the situation for all that it was. I could see now that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what Alice and I were doing. She was an incredible person who had treated me with nothing but love and respect and if ANYONE was not o.k. with it then maybe THEY are the ones that I should be disapproving of. I knew that if I wanted to hold onto this beautiful relationship that had blossomed between me and Alice I was going to have to start telling the people in my life about her……whether I was ready to or not!!
So, I marched upstairs, drank my watermelon juice, and waited for Mindy to wake up. This was the day I was coming out damnit!!!!!
-Lesbian X
Two weeks had passed since Alice and I had been dating but it felt more like two years. In that small amount of time we had formed, what seemed to be, an unbreakable bond and became virtually inseparable. We were an instant union, an unstoppable team that had burst into existance over night, ready to take on the world. I felt powerful, I felt at one with the Universe, I felt loved.
But who was this girl really?? Not in all my years of dating men had I experienced anything quite like what was happening between us. A couple weeks ago she was a stranger. She was a signal in my inbox that I had received a new message and nothing more. Now she was a part of me, a part of my thoughts, my day, my heart and I barely even knew her. The shear magnitude of the connection we had made in those two weeks made me wonder…..could this girl be my soul mate?? Was this intense bond the result of finally finding The One or was this simply how it felt to be in love with a woman? Would I feel this way about every girl I dated from here on out? I didn’t know the answer. All I knew was that I liked it.
This romance had happened fast, so fast that when I finally came up for air, I realized that I hadn’t even had time to mention it to anyone yet. That is until my best friend, Sammy, came to town. The best friend that I had been terrified to mention my impromptu night with Daisy to but also the best friend that loved me unconditionally and who would understand completely. I been afraid to talk to her about it then, but in the grand scheme of things, there wasn’t as much to tell. In this case, however, Alice had become such a huge part of my world, I could not, and WOULD not keep her hidden away like my dirty little secret. It was time to be brave, and honest, and quite frankly, I was dying to share this with someone. I was going to have to tell her……Buuuut I thought maybe I would practice on my Roommate, Mindy, first, before Sammy flew in. I needed a dress rehearsal with a live audience before I brought this show to the big stage.
Now Mindy, I should tell you, had, also in a very short time, become not just a roommate, but a good friend. I had liked her immediately from the moment I moved in and, although she was incredibly sweet, she was a little more conservative than I was. This left me questioning two things; how she felt about the gay community in general, and more importantly, was she going to flip the f*ck out when I told that I had just hopped on the lesbo train. It was odd, I mean, officially, this would be me coming out for the very first time, however, it would be me coming out for the very first time in the lamest way possible. What would I say?? “Um, hey there Mindy, just wanted to let you know, I may or may not, because it’s hard to know for sure but most likely it seems that I am kinda gay now. Or at the very least, I have been banging this chick for the last 2 weeks”.
The truth was, I didn’t really know either way but I had to tell her something. I needed the freedom to either spend the night at Alice’s or have her over without having to lie about it. Mindy was my friend, someone I shared my home with and I wanted her support. I knew the only thing holding me back was fear. I was worried that she might not be excepting of Alice, or me for that matter and the thought of her disapproval was weighing on me.
I decided to sleep on it for a night, in my own bed, alone, without any distractions. It would be the first night I spent away from Alice and the perfect time to collect my thoughts.
As I woke, the morning’s clarity washed over me and I was suddenly able to see the situation for all that it was. I could see now that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what Alice and I were doing. She was an incredible person who had treated me with nothing but love and respect and if ANYONE was not o.k. with it then maybe THEY are the ones that I should be disapproving of. I knew that if I wanted to hold onto this beautiful relationship that had blossomed between me and Alice I was going to have to start telling the people in my life about her……whether I was ready to or not!!
So, I marched upstairs, drank my watermelon juice, and waited for Mindy to wake up. This was the day I was coming out damnit!!!!!
-Lesbian X
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Hi there!! So I'm interupting this story for an important message. Just wanted you know that I am not dead, and I haven't moved to India, nor would I ever dream of leaving you hanging. I have just been too busy to get the next blog done. I know, I know, I suck! Please stay tuned as I PROMISE I will bring you the next installment as soon as I can!
XOXO
Lesbian X
XOXO
Lesbian X
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